Chapter 3: Fantasy

I fantasize a lot, which I thought was normal till I asked people about their fantasy, and they said they had none. They said them making fantasies would just lead to disappointment as they will never come true but, I disagree. while yes fantasies are just like dreams, only difference is they are never close to what reality is. I still find it necessary for me to lie to my mind and tell it about these fantasies to give myself reasons to work for the next few weeks.

For example, in school I used to fantasize about being a famous youtuber and being rich, buying weird stuff, do a lot of charity and so and so. In my last year of school, I fantasized about getting good marks and travelling to the Netherlands for college and so and so.

My fantasies are weird. I won't go as far as to say it is a beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy, but it is weird to some degree. Even I am surprised by how simple and pathetic my fantasies are a lot.

My wildest dreams are pathetic. They reflect how weird I am. I used to fantasize that I soon would get a new neighbor and that I would become friends with them and that I would show them around. My fantasies were highly detailed. I used to just imagine how my conversation with them would be and how far we would go. This is how lonely I was; I created a whole new world so that I can have friends. There was another very similar fantasy, but it was a girl. I used to fantasize about new neighbors coming in and me going to visit them to welcome them, they would introduce themselves and among them would be a beautiful girl my age who would be my best friend and potential lover later. It was weird. again, it had me walking her around to show her the neighborhood buying her ice cream and us both giving each other hints that we like each other. Then one day it would go as far as sleeping together.

One of my fantasies I had was when I was creating my reddit account. My fantasies where that I wanted to be a dweeb redditor incel who had no life and who did nothing but go on reddit from his computer. There was no joke there. This is what I wanted. This was my fantasy. This was my phrasing to it. I WANTED to be a dweeb, not be a redditor and now I am translating it to dweeb. I was so desperate to just belong to any kind of community.

Fantasizing about finding love is not that weird, at least it's understandable. Wanting to travel to the Netherlands to live and experience the "broke college student" life is weird. No, it wasn't me planning out stuff. It was me fantasizing about being a broke college student who buys everything second hand as buying new stuff would be too expensive. I would be living in a small studio apartment with the lights being turned off most of the time and the kitchen will have nothing but instant noodles. I would be lonely and working as a fast-food employee or something. I would get back home from work to do nothing but play videogames. This is what I was dreaming of. Thinking about this would put a smile on my face and probably make me blush.

As a person with severe suicidal tendencies. I had my fair share of fantasies about killing myself. Each in their own unique way. Some were as simple as jumping off the window, choking myself, letting a car hit me and so on and some included torture, blood, and self-harm. The simple ones had simple fantasies. I would just jump off the window, keep on choking myself till I stop breathing, or while cycling I would let a car hit me which was one of the main reasons of why I loved cycling. The ones with torture just had me thinking about how I would use a knife to make myself bloody and then slice my neck, maybe writing a message on the wall like "you did this", "I hate you" or something like that.

There are other fantasies where I travel back in time. These have so much more meaning, to me at least. I had one where I went to age 14 and killed myself when I had the chance to. It wasn't the only time I fantasized about killing myself in the past.

One of them was me killing myself. but it was too emotional for me, and I always wanted to make this "fantasy" into a short film. It starts with me waking up regretting all my decisions and wanting to die. I see my mother ask her why she gave birth to me then go back to bed and surf the web. I find that time travel technology now exists, and they are trying to find people to experiment this on. I go I travel back in time to when I was a year old. I go home and find my mother. I talk to her and tell her I am her son and explain to her that I want to kill myself. Of course, at first, she wouldn't let me kill her child, but I will explain to her that I never wanted to live. I wanted to die ever since I got awareness. I will explain that I will grow up to be a failure and a nothing so it's better for everyone if I died at a young age while I am still an innocent child who did not do a single mistake. I will keep explaining and begging her to let me until she does. I will give her hints for what's going to happen in the future and how to be prepared for each event. I might also give her money which would be easier as money is cheaper in the future than nowadays. then I will take me to a room. I will cuddle me. play with him, tickle him, and hug him. I will whisper in his ear "believe me we both will be glad we did this" then I choke him till he is dead. when I am finished, I will leave the house without talking to my mother and go to my own time where I died aging one and disappear immediately. making it that I never suffered a day in life.

The other fantasy had me travel to the past to last year or even yesterday and just hug myself. I want to hug myself, talk to me, tell me it's going to be alright and tell me I love me. and that I have always been proud of me. I want to cheer him up as he probably wasn't having a nice day.

I know my fantasies are weird. but everyone has their weird side, I am not afraid to show mine. If I had hidden my weird side, I would have never left my house.