Staying in a horrible friendship because I love her best friend

This is mainly just a long rant about someone, sorry

Okay so, for context, I have a little friend group. Me and two others. One I'll call Vee, and the other Jay. Me, Vee, and Jay have been friends for years, almost 8 years now actually. We're all girls too, if that helps with anything.

See, the problem is Vee. Vee is in the nicest way I can put it, a controlling phsyco. She is extremely controlling of her friends, especially her best friend, Jay. She has our locations and has admitted to stalking us on several occasions and watches our location trackers on a daily basis. She gets extremely upset if we so much as talk to a person she doesn't like. And has even gotten upset and refused to talk to me or Jay before because we were hanging out without her. Not in a secret way, but we just happened to be doing stuff together and she had other plans and couldn't make it. And it's common for her to hang out with just her and Jay, or even just me and her, but me and Jay are not allowed to hang out together without her.

She's also generally very rude. She'll insult you, be outright mean, threaten you, etc, and later excuse it as either her having a bad mental health time, or her just being more "truthful" lately which is good for her mental health.

She also has a tendency to insult people she doesn't like. And by that I mean like physical things. Their body, their face, weight, makeup, hair, voice, anything they can think of. She insults people in a similar way you'd see a classic high school mean girl character insult people. However, she thinks she's in the right no matter what. She likes to say she's completely innocent and never did things despite the people she's saying it to having been there to watch her do those exact things.

The main problems for me started when I found out she was upset at me for something. See, Vee liked to do this thing, whether it's subconscious or not, it's something she's done to every single person she doesn't like or has a falling out with. She tells the story to as many people as possible. However, when she tells stories, she exaggerates what the other people do and minimalizes her own actions. It's something I've watched her do. She even explains the story again and again in rants to people, including people who were there to watch the actual thing.

So when she got upset at me, I panicked. It sent me in a derealization episode, something I've struggled with occasionally for years now. I started to realize that every time she'd gotten upset with me, it had triggered my fight or flight response. I knew she had more friends than me. She talks to people more while I'm more closed off. I knew that if she were to cut me off, I'd lose a lot of people, and most people that I could become friends with would be gone too. Every single time I find out she's upset with me I go into this weird phase for at least a few days. I feel this dread, it stresses me out so much that I've had to skip school or classes with her on certain days because my anxiety made me physically sick. I have never had this happen with anyone else. The only other time something happened like this was when a group of girls got mad at me for something in middle school. It doesn't help that she's very often violent and aggressive, especially verbally

But it's like those relationships where when things are good its so good. It's nice and fun and happy and when things are bad they're awful and I've gotten close to committing a few times because of how bad it's gotten. I've never mentioned that to anyone other than a separate friend, but that's not important.

It didn't help when I found out she's shit talking me behind my back. I mean, I always assumed, but to hear people tell me about it was a bit upsetting. From what people have told me it's a lot of things. She doesn't like my sense of humor, my personality, she said I'm childish, and so many others. It's kind if become a thing where I've realized I'm sick of it. I realized it over a year ago. That I don't like her. She's not my friend, friends don't do that to you. No friendship leaves you that stressed and drained constantly. I hate it.

The problem though, is that Jay is one if my best friends. Jay is one of if not the closest friend I have right now. And Jay sees me and just as close of a friend as Vee, but she hasn't gotten to the same realization point that I have. She's very nonconfrontational and I'm not sure if she actually will leave Vee ever. I'm really hoping she does because it's not just that I see her as a friend. We get along so well, especially when Vee isn't around. Vee kind if tried to keep me and Jay from spending too much time together when she's with us. She purposefully excludes me and tries to keep Jay closer to her. But when were alone and get to talk about whatever we can talk about the interests we share, some things we can't around Vee because Vee hates them for other reasons. Jay is one of the most beautiful people I've ever met. She's sweet and kind and funny and just so amazing. It kinda started small but I think after having the thought in the back if my head several times that I wanna kiss her when I look at her that I just have to accept the fact I'm in love. I wanna say it's just a crush but it's been over a year and I'm only falling deeper.

The only reason I've kept up my "friendship" with Vee is because I know that if I leave I won't be Abel to talk to Jay anymore because Vee won't let her. I hate it, I hate the situation so much, but I'm hoping it'll work out eventually.

I do wanna say though that I've decided the second I get out of highschool I'm cutting things off with Vee because I can't keep dealing with this. I'm going to miss Jay so so much but I just don't want to have to see the person I love everyday and not be able to talk to them at all. It'll be easier when we're graduated.

Anyways that's my long rant about my friendship situation. Theres a whole lot more and a lot more people involved but they aren't entirely important to this.