panicking, need to vent

medyo messy so bear with me nalang haha

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okay hi, i'm an incoming first year student in... well... idk. i don't know which university i'm gonna attend yet.

i got rejected by ust at first, but then passed through academic placement. pero the course they were offering me for passing academic placement was secondary education which is kinda far from what i want (i applied for premed courses like medtech originally. i know it's a dumb choice for someone who does not have the best grades ever but what can i say? i have high ambitions lol.) so i made peace with ruling out ust in my undergrad plans and moved on.

then admu results. waitlisted naman this time. i remember posting something here about help for reviews on appeals (and the person who replied had really great insight that truly helped me feel less lost with the whole letter of appeal thing so thank you po <3 i really don't know what i would have done without your advice.) so, trying my best to stay hopeful and optimistic, i submitted the required documents for reviews on appeals and moved on.

then mc-heu results. i passed and got my first choice course pero i already knew i didn't want to go there. only because i've spent my whole k-12 there na and i feel like i would've gone insane if i stayed there for another 4 years. no shade to mc, i do think they're a good school. ako lang ata yung problema lol

then dlsu results came out. i got accepted to my first choice course (another premed). and i felt overjoyed because omg finally one of the big 4 (and one of my dream schools) has "fully" accepted me.

i'd love to go to la salle kaso i'm still waiting on admu's decision on my appeal. eto kase: i feel like my parents would like it more if i studied sa admu. i have a younger brother kasi in ahs and malapit na yung house namin sa campus so it would be more convenient for everyone if i studied there (and also my brother is really rooting for me to get in kasi he wants us to be like schoolmates daw which is so sweet of him it makes me want to cry). so now, i feel conflicted about... well, everything. like i hate myself for not being good enough to just get accepted to admu. when i can't sleep at night or when i'm not distracted, i find myself thinking stuff like "why didn't i just work harder in hs?? if we worked/tried harder at that time, then maybe this whole situation wouldn't have turned out like this and we wouldn't even be thinking about this." and, as always, those thoughts just keep spiraling out of control and into stuff that sounds more like "just not good enough. thats it. nothing more. alam mo naman na ganto ka talaga, average ka lang. so bakit ka pa umaasa?"

oh i also got rejected from up (another dream school lol) so... ayon. another thing to fuel those thoughts.

i'm trying my best to not let those thoughts get to me as often as they used to tho. mainly focusing on dlsu and admu and making peace with whatever happens. and i'm also probably overthinking the whole thing with my parents/family kasi alam ko naman sa akin na they'd support me in whatever i choose to do for college. pero it gets hard malamang kaya... ayon. trying my best to stay optimistic, update ko kayo (wow feeling influencer?!)