I don't know if I want/can stay sober.

I've been sober for 5 days, I love cutting myself and I love the scars and seeing myself bleed, and since I haven't done it for 5 days I'm really anxious and every day it gets harder to avoid the urge, I have money, I would buy fem clothes with the money, but now I really want to buy a tool, since mine were always dull and didn't go deep, what do I do? I really want to cut myself and I don't want to stay sober (I asked for help a while ago, I'm going to see a psychiatrist in a few days, if I cut myself maybe they'll ask me about it, what do I do?)

The question is, I want to cut myself but I've been sober for 5 days, what do I do?