My 33M husband, is hyperfixated on his 29F Friend, how can I become comfortable with this new friendship?

Original tried to post on the ADHD partner page but was immediately removed. Just looking for some advice as starting fights or pretending it doesn't bother me is not a solution.

I, 30/F, have been married to my husband, 33/M, for almost 6 years. We have been together for 10 years. We moved to out of state together pretty early in our relationship, over 8 years ago, but we moved back home almost 2 years now. We have 2 young kids, 5/M and 2/F. My husband is currently untreated, diagnosed ADHD and I'm undiagnosed autistic. We love each other and have some overlap in symptoms but for the most part, our brains just work different. I have accepted that he will never contribute the amount of work I do with the house and kids. He has way more freedom then me as I am the one burdened with responsibility. Recently he ran into an old friend. They never dated but he was in love with her. She rejected him and the friendship met an end. They ended up hanging out and catching up. He apologized for the past to her. Saying she was a good friend at a time where he needed one. He mistook her kindness as affection and thought she liked him but it wasn't romantic for her. He feels bad for how he handled the situation and while I admire his growth, I don't enjoy this new friendship. It's been almost a month and they talk every single day. Her cars in the shop and has been this whole time. He gives her rides to and from work or the store. He's a great friend to have. I do feel bad she is going through such a hard time but why does my husband need to be her support system. He lent her $200 of our money. He even tells her how beautiful she is. He tells me he's just trying to raise her standards and self esteem since she chooses bad partners. Her fiance hasn't been home in months. He just spends too much time with her. We've talked about it and we've tried to come up with Solutions to make me more comfortable with this friendship. He's brought her around. I've hung out with a couple times but I just can't stop feeling slighted. He's such a good friend to her. He keeps telling me he's not trying to hurt me and that he loves me not her. But I have seen there messages and I am so uncomfortable with the amount of attention he gives her. He calls me beautiful too but he will call her a "smoke show". She hasn't had any kids and her body is way better than mine. And now she's the damsal in distress. I feel like as long as she is a wounded bird he is going to be focused on her needs. Even at the cost of mine. He always tells me he chose me. That he would never leave me and that he would never be with her. I don't think he would cheat on me. But that's not enough. We've got multiple fights about this. I haven't talked to any of my friends about this. He's told his friends and family about her. Some of them already knew her. Pretty much everyone is telling him to be careful. A lot of people are saying he needs to cut her out. I honestly feel like he loves her. But maybe it's just hyper fixation. Either way I'm unhappy. I've lost a little bit of weight, I do my makeup, showering more really working on my presentation but it's just so lonely. I just want to be with someone who thinks I'm as great as he thinks she is. He says that I am great that he loves me but it's just not the same as the messages he sends her. I already know there's no way I can break up their friendship. That's not fair. After all he's really not cheating. And she really is just a person trying to live her life. Any advice on how I can feel better about it? I just don't like feeling so jealous and insecure. It's really hurting how I feel about myself. At this point I am considering ending the relationship. Even though he says is he choose me he's still going to see her and help her all the time despite what it does to my feelings. How is that choosing me? I just don't know what's next for us. What's the best way to work through this? We still love each other. I tried asking if he could just spend less time talking to her and doing stuff with her. His response was if you start setting restrictions on me I'm going to be mad. He just wants me to trust him and let him spend time with her. I do and I have been but still hurts my feelings and I don't know how to get over it. How to move past this?

UPDATE: So a lot of people going to be disappointed in this update. We're still together. He told me my feelings were valid and agreed. We needed to make some changes. A lot of people are under the impression that he doesn't help me at all and that he's completely absent from the kids and my life. That's not true. I just meant it's not a 50/50 split. He could definitely do more and he acknowledges that. He also admits that he was initially defensive of the situation. He thought about it a lot and realized that I was right. That while it's not inappropriate for him to have a female friend, he did take it too far. He has since stopped commenting on her appearance entirely. He has limited contact with her and backed off. I also confronted her, which I initially felt bad about but now I don't. She insists they are just old friends and she sees him as more of an older brother. However, when I stated that things were inappropriate and that boundaries needed to be set, she did not agree. She said she never heard of a healthy relationship with boundaries. That boundaries are something you set for children not your partner. So I decided I don't like her. She tried to play it off super nice afterwards and say things like I hope that we work out blah blah blah but that statement just is a huge red flag to me. I'm now looking at the signs and I'm pretty sure she's using him. My husband doesn't see it that way. He says she's never been in a real relationship. She doesn't understand that boundaries are normal and healthy so now it's making a lot sense why she's still single. There's nothing wrong with being single. I might be here soon if these changes don't stick. I know a lot of you guys don't believe he's not cheating on me. Some of you believe its only because she won't put out. There's no way to convince you guys otherwise. After all you don't have all the information. It's really hard to figure out what's relevant and things like this. Him going too hard and helping people is not a new thing. Trust me you wouldn't believe how much we've spent on his little brother. Yeah I know that's not great. Can't blame him entirely, we both come from families that have always struggled. We feel lucky that even though we came from poorer households, my parents and his mother would definitely help us any way they could. And he loves to pay that forward. Honestly I love how much he cares about others. I lent my sister $2,000 before when I was single. I was living with my parents at the time and it was all the money I had but I didn't need it. I was saving up for a car but I was 18 rent free. It took a few months but she paid me back. Yeah, the world would be a better place if we helped each other. But not everyone needs our help. His friend has other resources. He can still give her a ride home sometimes as she does live very close. It hasn't been long enough to really test the waters. He hasn't seen her since all this and I don't know how I'll feel the first time he does. Honestly, while I don't like her, It feels good that my husband has set boundaries with her. Took my side when she said boundaries weren't healthy in a relationship. He knows I wish she disappeared from our lives forever. He said if it comes down to it, that's what will happen but he's asking for one more chance to just rework the friendship into a healthy one. He's also hoping that I won't hold her stupid words against her forever but said I have every right to be mad. Yeah the few times we all hung out we got along, Even had a good time. At this moment I don't know her well enough. He's known her for a very long time so I should probably trust that he knows her better than me and that maybe she's not a terrible person. At this moment though, my experience with her has not been great. The only way I'm going to change my mind about her is through time. We'll see if he keeps up these boundaries and promises he's made. So far he has but it's only been like 2 days so. I also talked to one of his friends who is a licensed therapist, or a psychiatrist or something. I can't remember the exact title at the moment but he's got his doctorate and stuff. Since we don't have insurance he has offered to help us talk it out. My husband has turned this down in the past but this time he agreed. My husband also gets roped into a lot of contractor type jobs for family members, which is another reason why he's not home as often as I am. He's going to start taking our son with him more. We have a double date this weekend with one of my friends. I will say, even before this post he was trying to pull me out of the house more. It's hard when you have young kids and no one to help out. His mom's sick with cancer. My parents work Full-Time. And all of us just live paycheck to paycheck. Me and my husband both work full-time as well. I work remotes so I stay home. We have one car and I don't drive. Sometimes you set up in a rut and it's really hard to get out. My point is he's not a bad guy. He does love me and he has shown me that over and over again . We all struggle. I think it's important to remember your partner is not your enemy. And while you can't always avoid a fight, it helps to remember most of us just want our feelings validated. That's all I got right now. Thanks for all the comments. I wish there were more positive one but I get it. You guys. I only worked with the information I'm giving and I'm not the best at figuring out what what all is relevant. We're not perfect but we're working it out.

Update:

She still doesn't have a car, I let him take her to a doctor appointment. I think my marriage is over. Nothing happened and he wasn't even gone long but I realized I'm not ok with this. I hate this. I'm trying to be rational. Im a big supporter of compromise but I can't compromise on this one. Unfortunately, we have a lot going on right now so I just have to pretend I'm ok. We have a couple events to get through first but afterwards, I am telling him one way or another, she will be out of my life. If he needs her in his, he can do it without me. I just can't force myself to keep it together. I wanna wake him up right now. I hate this so much. My life is crumbling. Why couldn't he just choose me? She doesn't even like him. I can't believe I'm loosing him to a fantasy that will never be. He told me he would choose me if I made him but I have a feeling this is the end.