Going On An International Trip With My Boyfriend Over Spring Break (This Weekend!) | Huge first step for me as I've never traveled with anyone other than family, and I'm feeling equal parts excited yet anxious, happy yet scared, especially as Saturday gets closer and closer with every passing day
I made my first post on here today as well, regarding how enduring sexual abuse as a child groomed me to accept disrespectful behaviors in adult romantic/sexual relationships, but while that post was centered around sexual abuse, my mom's behavior has been all-around abusive and controlling in pretty much every aspect of my existence.
Now, for the first time in my entire life, I feel like I've finally made some real progress to finding my own happiness instead of always submitting to my mom's iron fist. For the first time in my entire life, I'm finally doing something for me, not for her. For the first time in my entire life, I'm actually chasing what makes me happy, and I realize that it doesn't matter if she doesn't approve or if she doesn't like it or if she becomes upset - this is my life, not hers.
I'm sick and tired of her interrogating every single action that I do, from the things that I eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner; to asking when I went to the bathroom, and at what time, and if the stool was solid or runny; to pestering me about who I hang out with or what time I get back home even though I live in my own apartment now, where I pay for my own food and rent. I'm sick and tired of her guilt tripping me for not calling her on the phone every day at the same exact time that she "expects" me to, or for making me feel guilty when I hang out with friends instead of being with her 24/7 whenever I'm back in my hometown for the holidays for a couple weeks in the winter or summer, or for calling me "selfish" whenever I want to have free time for myself instead of spending it with her.
I told her that my boyfriend and I are going on a trip during spring break, and she reacted just about as poorly as I expected:
- she called me a "whore" for wanting to go on a trip with my partner before marriage
- she said that my boyfriend was being "disrespectful" by asking me to go with him in the first place as if I were some sort of "prostitute" and she made this known by texting him herself
- she called my dad on the phone (they're divorced, by the way) and tried to convince him to convince me not to go
- she talked to my boyfriend's mom on the phone (by the way, no one ever gave her this information - so I'm thinking that since my boyfriend's mom is a business owner, my mom literally googled the name of the shop and found the number through there)
- she said that I need to have some "self-respect" and "honor" and "dignity" and that going on such a vacation makes me "cheap" and "trashy" and "indecent"
In the past, I honestly think I would've caved and gave in to my mom's demands. I would've been scared about my "reputation," whatever the hell that even means. I realize now that validation from a narcissist means next to nothing, if anything at all.
I'm in grad school now (the trip is during spring break so I won't miss out on any of the classes I'm teaching next quarter) and the vacation is covered by my boyfriend's work benefits since he's an employee for a tourism company and they give complimentary annual vacations to all of their workers (so we're actually being pretty financially responsible). I guess, you know what? All of what I said in this paragraph doesn't even matter - I shouldn't need to justify myself to have fun and be happy. We're going on this trip because we want to, and I feel like this is something that I've never been able to experience before.
Doing something just because you want to? Doing something just because you feel like it? Doing something just because it makes you happy? Most people would say that that's just a natural part of being human, but it's so new to me, and it honestly feels so foreign and crazy. But I'd rather start now, in my twenties, after having only wasted two decades of my life, rather than miss out on it until my mom finally passes away and I'm left in peace, but then I look back at my entire life and how meaningless and sad and empty it was because the only thing I ever did was placate my mom and constantly give in to her demands in an attempt to meet her impossible expectations.