I fucking hate ABDL (my husband is into it)

Sorry for the language in the title. I’m (f24) currently acting as “Mommy” to my abdl husband (m27) at the moment. I’ve stepped away to get space because it’s gotten so toxic and emotionally intense. I don’t know why everything goes so wrong all the time when we do this. I’m this close to divorce because of how much I hate doing this and how much he “needs” this among other personal issues from his side. I’m not perfect but this man gets manic due to bipolar on the regular and won’t see a psychologist or get on meds.

His diaper leaked all over our twin bed in our Segufix which he said was my fault because I didn’t change him soon enough, then had a meltdown. I’m literal at wiping his poopy diaper butt and he’s upset at me and making me feel insane. Plus I’m doing my best to have a happy face while my face is in his personal business.

I’ve tried to engage with this for years now because I love him and there are elements I like, but it just makes me feel miserable. I fucking hate this disease of a kink. I know that’s harsh but this is making me hate waking up in the morning and making me hate being married to such a selfish, rude, and annoying person. I put him in a diaper every night to go to bed and at least once a week we have play dates.

“This is your fault, you didn’t do this, you always do this wrong, why didn’t you do this makeup, I knew you were just going to end the night….” All of this he says to me while we’re “playing.”

I hate being “responsible” to make sure everything is taken care of for a fucking adult. He gives no such care or affection in return to me by any stretch.

I have his urine and I’m sure poop somewhere on my body from changing him and he’s giving me a hard time about my face looking sad which is the reason he cites for not obeying me when I say we need to do something or move to another room so I can get chores done. I have a paddle which I use liberally, but for him to obey me I literally have to beat him and I’m not ok with that.

I just think of course my face looks sad, you’re making me feel miserable and my back hurts from bending over to change you and put you in bondage.

Ugh. I hate this.

Someone help. I want out of this. We have marriage counseling tomorrow morning, but I don’t even want to be in this relationship anymore. I’m praying this desire of his goes away because it’s making me hate myself and my choice to marry this person.