You are the boss of yourself
“Autonomy” as a concept is complicated to reckon with because, for example, we live in countries with laws. So behavior can be criminalized, and you can be prosecuted for your behavior even if you don’t agree that the behavior is criminal in the first place. You can be socially persecuted even without the existence of laws.
We easily find ourselves in positions where we don’t have a choice, or can’t control the outcome of a situation no matter our choices.
We are born helpless babies, at the mercy of our environment. We don’t control what kind of community were born into, or whether there’s community for us at all. We cannot care for ourselves, our choices in this state can come with grave risks or even be obsolete!
And, of course, our behavior can be threatened, intimidated, forced, or coerced by another person.
That’s my disclaimer because I’m about to say something really simplistic and I just wanna make it clear: I’m aware that we are not always capable of making autonomous choices.
But sometimes we ARE capable of making autonomous choices, and this is what my post is about:
Someone expressing an opinion or a desire isn’t a demand.
Even if you really really really really really don’t want to disappoint them, it isn’t a demand.
A demand is when somebody asks for (or mandates 😳) your participation and expects you to cooperate merely because they want you to. On the flip side of this, if YOU have a habit of expecting people to cooperate simply because YOU’VE asked them to, then you may assume other people are trying to influence your behavior when they’re genuinely just asking for your participation. Sometimes demands are worded as requests, and you can tell if a request is a demand by seeing if there’s a “wrong answer”. For example, if somebody asks you a yes or no question but then punishes you for saying no, that was a demand and not a request.
Break ups aren’t punishments, they are the natural consequence of two people growing apart. Somebody who is threatening you with a breakup in order to get you to do what they want, won’t leave (or they’ll “leave” to scare you into cooperating with them when they come back). That’s how you know the difference between weaponizing breakup language, and merely communicating a boundary. Someone who is letting you know the standards of being in a relationship with them, is not necessarily someone threatening to break up with you. And it’s important to understand, breakups suck, but they’re not inherently bad. Like nasty medicine.
“But yallermysons, I tell potential partners my boundaries and then don’t leave when they’re crossed, and I’m not trying to threaten anybody.” If somebody regularly says they’re gonna leave you if you don’t change but then never leaves, chances are they don’t wanna leave—they just want you to change. We are all capable of this, it’s not something only predators do.
“But yallermysons, isn’t the point of communicating boundaries to change another person’s behavior?” No, the point of communicating boundaries is to measure compatibility. It’s to figure out if another person’s presence is gonna be safe/enjoyable. The point is not to get everyone in the world to behave as you like. People can say no to your boundaries, and in that case you LEAVE THEM ALONE.
In my opinion, you are disempowered when you regard non-threatening, harmless requests as a demand because you limit your options when, in reality, your choices are plentiful. Healthy relationships are cooperatively created by peers who agree to the dynamic together. That is not the same as telling each other what you can and can’t do.
These are some things I think you should consider if you’re trying to dictate what your partner can or can’t do, or if you’re “not allowed” to do something in your relationship.