My 12 year old daughter committed suicide and I found her.

Update: THANK YOU all for the love and support sent my way. I wanted to personally thank each and everyone but it got so overwhelming and I read some terrible things, so I decided to just post this update. I really appreciate everyone’s kindness during this time. I wrote this at 4 am after not sleeping for idk how many days and when I reread this it feels like it was written by someone other than myself. But that’s what each moment feels like, like I’m someone different each moment of the day. I really appreciate everyone, as for donations and trying to send me things, I truly have been blessed with a wonderful community and family and do not have a need. Many people shared how reading this is why they decided to stay. Thats all I want out of this, to make sure no other mother, father, family or friend has to feel this pain because it really sucks. Thank you kind people of Reddit. 🤍

The week, August 25th - August 30th of 2024 was the craziest week of my life.

I am the director of nursing over a small nursing home and my week started with a state reportable incident due to a resident having a fall with a major injury. Her fucking femur looked like an X. I’m not even kidding. She fell out of her wheelchair the evening of August 24th and upon assessment of my charge nurse everything seemed fine… well 2 pm the next day I pass by her and noticed her right leg was completely inverted and was not normal. I did a further assessment by trying to do range of motion when all I hear is crinkling… like one of those baby toys with the crinkly sounding paper. I stabilize the leg and I call for stat xray and her femur is literally an X. Idk how her bladder was not penetrated and I didn’t know I had the dumbest floor staff who never noticed something was wrong all day! Literally 3 shifts went by and nobody noticed!

Tuesday, my therapy directors father committed suicide so she had to leave to Florida right away. So now we have to figure out therapists to come in a cover her.

Wednesday was nursing home fight club between two gentlemen. One hit the other with a cane, so the other lunged and tackled man with cane and started throwing punches. Staff broke it up instantly but holy heck man, like I said dumb staff, so when they break it up my CNA accidentally booty bumped the man swinging causing him to fall straight back, flat on his back. So now I have my 2nd state reportable incident for the week. This same day, I had another resident fall straight on her face and started acting funny, so we ship her out to the hospital. Followed by my night at home, I started a small grease fire in my oven, burning my hand and 4 of my fingers. I put the fire out miraculously and am trying to treat my burned hand when I hear screaming. My 9 year old son got stung by a scorpion that was in our couch. Apparently another family of 4 was living under the couch… Thursday I had staff call in all day, so I was left to work 16 hour shift that day…. I came home at 10:30 Thursday night and my mom had the boys and my daughter at the house. My daughter wasn’t feeling well all week and had been throwing up and tired from softball all weekend long and played 2 games 8:30 pm Tuesday night. She didn’t go to school Wednesday - Friday. I just thought she was worn out… well that Thursday night I was also worn out and went to bed shortly after getting home and tucking my boys in. My mom said my daughter had been sleeping since 8:30 pm. Well about 2:10 AM Friday morning I wake up to a text from my daughter saying “mom I just threw up replied “Ok” and went back to sleep. Every other time I would check on her, but since she texted me and I was tired I didn’t and I am sick with regret. I saw her in the morning, she was still feeling sick so I told her she could stay home from school. Friday at work I thought I’d get off early since I worked until 10 the night prior, but that same resident who fell on her face suddenly went unresponsive at 3 pm. I could barely feel her pulse so I start working on her. I was able to get her back, but that caused me to stay at work later so I didn’t leave until about 4:40 pm, then went and got my 2 year old from daycare and headed home. I had texted my daughter that day at 9:30 AM and got a response back at 11:30 AM. She said she was feeling a lot better than the night before. Great! She was supposed to go to a friend’s house Friday night so I tried calling her at 3:55 PM to check on her to see if this was still the plan, but no answer. I assumed she was asleep. My mom dropped off my 9 year old son off at about 5 PM, I told her that was fine my daughter was home and I’d be home in like 15minutes. My mom ALWAYS goes into my house to check on the kids, but this day she did not as she was in a hurry. I get home about 5:15 and say hi to the 9 year old, I get the 2 year old out and in the house. We let out the puppy, I set my stuff down and I go to check on my daughter. I didn’t see her in her bed. Weird. I start yelling her name and looking for her. I look everywhere. In the bathroom, the boys room, my room, in the kitchen, outside. I’m tracking her phone, it says she is here but I can’t find her anywhere. So I go back into her room and turn on the light. I look in her first closet and nothing. When I step back and peek into the second closet I see her standing funny with her back towards me and I say “Girl, quit fucking with me” as I flip on her closet light.. she was not fucking with me at all. The first thing I noticed was her hands, they were mottled. She had wet her pants. Her neck was black from where the curling iron cord was. I realize wtf is going on and I immediately start screaming “oh my fucking god, oh my fucking god, oh my fucking god” and call 911. I pulled her down and start CPR. My first time to perform CPR on a child. My first time performing CPR was on MY child. I have been a hospice nurse for 2 years before taking my DON job… I knew when I saw her that she had been gone for over an hour… but I knew I still had to do CPR. My 9 year old came in when I was yelling and saw me pull her down. My 2 year old came in there and was playing with her things on the ground beside me while I’m doing CPR and I just yell “GET OUT OF HERE GET OUT OF HERE NOW!” He wanders out after idk how long. The police and ambulance arrived at my house 3 minutes after I called. They take over and remove me from the room and start asking questions. I tell them what I know. They take her out into the ambulance. And he asks about her phone… we start looking and I pull her blanket off her bed and oh my god I see soooo many empty bottles of pills and wrappers. She tried taking a bunch of Azos, mobic, and tamiflu, and multiple packs and bottles of Benadryl. Oh my god man. The police officer told me to stop touching things bc it’s a crime scene. I stopped and walked out of the room. I told him her phone is probably in her pocket… and it was. I go to the hospital where they continue to work on her for an hour, but they weren’t able to bring her back... But I knew When I found her, I still begged God the entire way to the hospital to save my baby. but I knew I was just wishing. My house was ceased and being investigated until 10:30 pm Friday night when I could finally go inside and grab clothes for myself and my kids and went straight to my parents house where we’ve been since then.

One thing that literally makes my heart sink into my stomach is that she could have stood up at any point… she could have stood up if she changed her mind after trying to hang herself, but she didn’t…

This is a kid who I could trust with my life. She told me everything. We were so close. She was soo happy, man. Literally the happiest person, the most beautiful child, she was a cheerleader, she played on 2 softball teams, she was outgoing and hilarious and so loved by literally anyone and everyone. She never said she was depressed or that she was sad. She never said she was under too much pressure. She never acted out. She never said anything. We had the best day together that Sunday the 24th. But she did say something, she played “call your mom” by Noah Kahan and said she wanted that song played at her funeral and that I have to live longer than her so I can make sure that happens. I said “okay crazy, whatever you want.” And never really thought about it again until this happened. But that same day we were planning our trip to Nashville for her birthday.

I am just so heart broken, man. I had her when I was 14 years old. She was my best friend. We grew up together and were so close to each other. I’ve worked my ass off to make sure she could have and do everything she wanted and she did. I made sure to make her feel loved and always cared for. She was literally the best kid. And I know all parents say that, but she was man. She loved everyone and made sure everyone felt loved and special, but the last 3 days of her life she was lonely and sad and suffering from whatever was paining her, and she was all by herself. I hate that man. I hate that I just said “OK”. I hate that I didn’t make her go to my parents when she was sick bc she wanted to be at home in her own bed. I hate that I had to work late the night before. I hate that I didn’t get off early Friday like I was supposed to. I fucking hate this so much. I hate all the sympathy I am getting. I hate that people are awkward around me now. I hate that all I see is suicide prevention with her picture, or name, or her softball number posted all over social media. I hate this. I fucking hate this. I hate that I didn’t know she was suffering. I hate that I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I hate that she left me and idk why. All she said in her note to me was how proud she is of me and that I’m strong and she is sorry she couldn’t be strong like me and take it anymore. I hate thinking about a world without Sophie. I just hate this. And I can’t sleep because all I do is think how much I’m going to miss her laugh and her sweet, sweet heart. She made everything better. Why did she think this was for the better? I know I can’t keep pondering the why bc it will drive me crazy. I know I can’t keep wishing I did something different. I know nothing will bring her back. I know. And I’m going to be okay. I know she isn’t hurting anymore. I will find a way to live with this. I know I have two boys to live on for. I know there isn’t anything anyone can say. I know she is an angel. I’ve heard it all already and I’m not here for any of that. I seriously just needed to write this out and get it off my chest bc it fucking sucks. I’m really good at being there for people when their loved one is passing away or has passed away, I just never thought it would be me on this side of it. It fucking sucks, man.

Just please anyone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts please reach out to someone, anyone. Call or text 988 if you’re in the USA. Call your mom. Fuck, call me! Idk. Just know that so many people will miss you. Nothing lasts forever except death. :(