finally realizing maybe my mom is narcissistic?

My mother doesn’t like me. And it still hurts.

For starters, I am a (24F) and I’ve always had the suspicion of my mother just not being able to stand me. She was never interested in what I was really like as a child, but instead always wanted me to be how SHE wanted. She’s never been satisfied with anything I do. Since a kid, I’ve been extremely sensitive to everything. I notice the way ppl look at me, the faces they make, body language and the whole nine yards… My mom never smiles at me. She always looks at me like she’s upset or just genuinely can’t stand me. She’s always so cut and dry about anything I try and talk about, unless it’s about my personal business… and then that’s when she wants to talk to me. I told her the other night that my cousin had said us and our moms should go on a double date and she freaked out on me and said “WELL WHY DONT YOU TWO JUST GO?? WHY DO I HAVE TO??” …. She never likes spending time with me, she’s never taken the time to. she never visits me or my family. She has no interest in my kids and the only time she truly shows interest is when she’s posting on Facebook, putting on an image. Doesn’t care to actually build a bond with them, never wants to keep them but always wants me to make sure my brothers are looked after.. I have a 3 year old who’s autistic and she and her husband treat him like he’s just a problem all of the time… going as far as always making faces at him and stuff. Growing up, I was always on eggshells around her. I started picking up on how footsteps would sound and other cues and it gave me anxiety constantly. She always praises my brother for everything but hardly ever gives me flowers for anything… I couldn’t ever open up to her around anything bc she would just yell and get mad at me, really causing me to just wanna lie about things to her because it just felt better to be that way. My dad passed away very unexpectedly in a bike crash when I was 15, and at the time I was living with him… and she was so bitter towards me for grieving and basically told me to stop bringing it up to her when I would go to her, upset and simply just trying to understand and wrap my head around the fact that I lost one of my parents…

She always picked her husband over me, and he would become abusive and she would stand by him and never stuck up for me. I’ve gotten her gifts and clothes but she never shows those things off… only the flashy, extravagant things she gets from my brother or her husband. I’ve always wanted to have a relationship with her and I’ve yearned for her approval… but I’m starting to get to the point to where I think no contact is best. When she’s around me, she wants nothing to do with me… but when I’m away, she magically does. She never compliments me or gives me any praise, but will gladly give it to any and everyone else.

She just treats me like I don’t really matter and I mean, I’ve never felt I have. My feelings didn’t matter and if I tried to express them, I was being “disrespectful” and needed to “watch how I spoke to her” I was always the kid who had to do all the chores and bend over backwards to MAKE her happy but even then it was never good enough… I always got the shorter end of the stick from her. I got all her anger taken out on me constantly, I always got the silent treatment. I always had to be mindful of the mood SHE was in and if it wasn’t a good one, I couldn’t do anything. I’m the only daughter and the oldest out of 3 boys… I see girls relationships with their mothers and I just wish I had what they did. Things feel so fake from my mom, she’s always cared about keeping up with the Jones’s and having the nice designer stuff and the big house and flaunting it… she’s never genuinely cared to just be a support system for me. Over the course of time, I’ve come to the realization that she just doesn’t like me or she resents me for whatever odd reason there is… she’s apologized for how she’s been in the past, but nothing has changed at all… she still continues to be the same and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life dealing with this.. I’ve felt like she’s a narcissist but haven’t wanted to say it out loud bc I guess it just hurts…

Can I hear other peoples stories possibly and hear how you guys dealt with it or what made you finally make the choice to go no contact and so forth?