I think this birthday will be my loneliest

I'm real sad and I didn't really know where else to put this so here I am venting to the internet.

I turn 25 on Sunday. Now historically, birthdays have not gone that well for me. The past few years, I've decided to stop planning anything because it would always turn horrible. My friends tried planning things and they again would always end in a shit show. I don't want to rehash any details but last year was particularly devastating and changed the trajectory of my life.

That being said, I was always excited for my 25th. Back in 2022, I saw a tiktok about a Spongebob themed bday party based on the joke "You know what's funnier than 24? 25!" and I loved it. I know it's silly and childish but I loved the idea and I couldn't wait to plan it for my 25th and invite all my friends. Now, my 25th is in 4 days and I have no friend group. No party.

That brings me to my situation now. I've graduated college and moved back to my home city for career advancement and financial responsibility (I live with my parents atm), leaving my previous friend group behind. We all met through work so they all see each other regularly still at that workplace and get together outside of work frequently. I talk to them sometimes but it's hard to keep up being so far away and missing all their meetups. I finally, for once, had a friend group with no silly drama and I left them. To be fair, I hated my college town and wanted to move back to my city for quite some time, and I also was growing tired of my job there. But now I realize the cost of what I did. Grass is always greener, I guess.

I've tried reaching out to old friends in my city since I moved back last year but nothing has really stuck. Everyone formed their own lives while I was away and I don't really have a space anymore, which I understand. I don't harbour any resentment towards them but It just sucks to be alone. It doesn't help that most of my friends, current and previous, are married now or in long term relationships, so we live very different lives. Despite being similar ages, it feels like we are in different stages of our lives. My closest friend is from high school but she lives across the country now. We visit each other when we can and facetime regularly but neither of us can fly out for my birthday.

All I do is work now. I didn't even realize how much of a hermit I've become until recently. I actually considered picking up a shift on my birthday just to avoid being home and wallowing. I know I need to start making an effort to try and meet new people, and I will now that I've realized how alone I am, but that doesn't change the fact that my birthday is this weekend and I have no friends to celebrate with.

I do have my family, and we're going to have brunch and maybe cut a cake. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful to have that. I know not everyone does and I could have it a lot worse. But I am allowed to be upset about my lack of local friends. I just want to have a little pity party for myself tonight and be sad for a minute. I'm never going to turn 25 again, and I'll never have that party I always dreamed of. 1st world problems, amiright?

Anyways, that is all. If anyone older than me has some advice along the lines of, "You're so young, it'll get better," please send it my way. For once, I just need to be told that my problem won't matter in 10 years. I just feel so incredibly sad. Then I feel silly for being so sad about a stupid party.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.