Lingering psychological pain from indoctrination

TL;DR

Cradle ortho left church at 18, came to terms with it but a recent funeral has me questioning reality again.

I grew up in an OCA parish founded by mostly ex-protestant people in the late 80s. I was part of a generation of kids raised by converts, with orthodoxy presented as the true faith i.e. more authentic than all the post-Lutheran churches and more true than Catholicism. The community was really built on this sense of pride in that all the adults had discovered orthodoxy after being disillusioned with the faiths they were raised in. My understanding is that from their perspective they were saving their children the trouble of spiritual searching by baptizing and raising us in this church. I found myself always claiming superiority over my protestant friends, getting in theological debates with them. My mother led the music and took on administrative roles and my father was treasurer and on parish council . We were heavily involved, always attending vespers and liturgy and the Wednesday/Friday lenten services. I served in the altar many times. Lent wasn’t super strict but I’d try to cut back on TV and candy or something like that.

I really began questioning the faith around age 12 or 13 but had agreed to my parents rule to attend liturgy until I graduated high school. This was a difficult time but once I was 18 I stopped attending and found myself interested in eastern religions, gnosticism and alternative spirituality. There often was a sense of hesitancy in fully diving into these other spiritual world views because of my orthodox conditioning. The main issue being with the constant fear and hatred of heretics/pagans in this “ancient faith”. The belief that finding a different path was a trick of the devil has caused me a lot of anguish over the years.

Recently a clergy member who was close to my family passed away and I attended the funeral prayers and liturgy. This was the first time in many years I had attended any orthodox service. I noticed something that I hadn’t before in all the litanies, prayers and general message of the liturgy. There was a huge focus on the individual as a sinner (“of whom I am first”) prayers for the deceased that god forgive his sins “both voluntary, and involuntary, word, deed or thought” with the feeling that if we don’t pray for him he won’t be accepted into the kingdom of heaven. I realized that this constant reminder that we are sinners and we must repent for what we’ve done to be saved was really damaging to my psyche. I remembered as a 9 year old attending forgiveness vespers and breaking down crying over the shame of facing my community and proclaiming myself a sinner in front of them. The realization that this self-hatred was indoctrinated into me weekly by all these services and prayers. This church only made me believe that I was bad and rarely did I feel relief in confession or the joy of pascha after lent.

I’ve had this lingering feeling that I will one day play the role of the prodigal son and return. That parable was always celebrated in my church with the lesson that is ok to stray and that you will be welcomed back. This should be a positive thing as it’s allowed me to explore other faiths and agnosticism but now I only feel burdened with the feeling that I must return to that life of self hatred to earn the love of God (who I don’t believe in)

It’s been about 15 years since I left the church yet this fear of the devil tricking me has come back to my conscience. The peace I had found in Buddhism and general agnosticism combined with a healthy lifestyle is starting to feel suspect to me. I don’t want to return to the church but am looking for advice on navigating these complex guilty feelings.

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EDIT: I'm really glad this community exists. Thank you all for your comments. I would like to reply to them directly when I have some time to think over my answers. But a couple quick notes:
-Yes I have been going to therapy but only now really diving into this issue.
-I am no longer a Christian and have no desire to become one again. I find the "You gota serve somebody"/ and worship based ideology very limiting and controlling.