My experience dating an ENFP for 3.5 years

Haven’t been on here in a while because I got bored of Reddit, but wanted to share my experience dating an ENFP. I am 31 and she is 33 for context.

Overall it has been great, we get along really well and we can be very silly together, while also having aligned visions and goals we work towards together, and our own projects and things we work on independently. We also have several activities we both really enjoy doing together which is a great way to spend quality time together, which is a top love language for both of us.

Our biggest lowkey conflict is the day to day maintenance tasks, cooking, cleaning, etc. I hate things being dirty, she hates things being cluttered, I leave clutter constantly, she makes things dirty constantly. Neither of us wants to clean regularly, neither of us wants to cook regularly, but we force ourselves to try and be consistent as we both go crazy when the house is a disaster. This topic has improved greatly over time, and our relationship has iterated itself over time in many areas which is great.

I love how chaotic she is, she goes super hard on the new thing she’s into and then drops it when she has her newer thing. It’s cute and gives me visibility into all different subjects which I like for the data collecting aspect of things. She is a lot of fun in general and always up for new things which is nice because I hate researching random things to do, but love to do random things.

We are both care about making each other feel secure which I think comes from age on both our parts. I have to be careful to not be too friendly with other ladies, but she is never too friendly with other guys which I appreciate and value, so I don’t really have a problem with this.

I have helped her learn how to use logic better and be less reactive to her emotions in work situations (she manages software engineers). She has taught me that she is basically always right when she gets mad at me. I used to fight and argue but eventually when I really thought through it all, she was definitely right. Not sure how the hell she does it but her EQ can take shortcuts and arrive at the correct conclusion while I have to go through the long process of getting there logically. It took being wrong like 100 times in a row to accept this but now I don’t fight back even if I feel taken off guard which I hate feeling, I just apologize for making her feel bad and then take my time to understand the situation and come back with what I am going to do differently and maybe some requests for her if there are things causing me to do whatever I am doing “wrong”.

I also really appreciate that she doesn’t let things fester, she get super mad and gives it to me straight right away and ouch, but we resolve it and she’s over it in 5 minutes. It gives me a chance to share things bothering me too as I am not good at knowing what is wrong inside me, I just know something is up, and I can start throwing things out there and she can help me figure it out. It is not comfortable, but all the discomfort is condensed to short occasional bursts which I prefer over long term moderate discomfort.

Debating is tough, sometimes I think we are debating to arrive at a final conclusion only to realize she thinks I am attacking her. I know now to read her face and let her know I am just trying to develop understanding and assure her I am not mad when I see her getting upset. She doesn’t love it but she understands I need it and she gets over things quickly.

I also understand that I need to balance teasing with affirmation, I tease to flirt with her, but if that’s all I do it starts to hurt her feelings. I make sure to give her a few affirmations of things I really like about her in a straightforwards manner and then she knows I’m teasing out of love.

And finally, especially when frustrated, she says things she does not mean, almost to test to herself if she feels that way. It used to drive me crazy and trigger my debating which never led to anything productive as it was just a test to begin with. Now I just lean into it and start discussing a reality where the test case is assumed true, and that is much more helpful in arriving at the correct result.

Let me know your thoughts, and give an ENFP a shot, though maturity is a must. I love her a lot and I love being with her, she’s way outta my league so that’s pretty cool too. Though she definitely appreciates I can pretty much do whatever I set my mind to and build/fix pretty much anything.