I don’t know if I have a future

I’ve always needed a purpose to keep going. I’ve always needed a place in the world and something to look forward to. Lately, I think about the future and it just seems like a huge bland nothingness.

I finished my last year of secondary school, and honestly it was easily the worst year of my life. I was rejected by my dream university Cambridge (I came close but ultimately was still rejected). The reasons that make me so depressed about it are that I could have prevented it if I had lower anxiety (I panicked during every stage and that reduced my performance), I could have prevented it if I had listened more to the advice of elders and teachers, I know several people who got in (I go to one of the best schools in the UK), and it is a constant reminder that I’m not good enough to succeed. I always derived my life purpose from being academic, and that was suddenly eroded and seemingly destroyed. Not only that, I also noticed a decided uptick in the difficulty of my school studies during this time as A Level exams felt far harder than those in Year 11 and 12. I just don’t feel in control of my academic life anymore.

Outside of my academic life, the rest remains lacklustre. I am overweight and therefore ugly, and consequently I have never dated a girl. I haven’t even tried because I know it wouldn’t work, and my weight loss is coming along too slowly. I don’t have great social skills, and so even though I have some friends my social life is minimal and I don’t think I’ve made friends for life if you get me.

I just struggle everyday with the lack of a drive or purpose in my life, as I rested my whole life on Cambridge and didn’t get it. It leaves me feeling like I have no future or place in the world, and that I must simply resign myself to mediocrity and underachievement. I look ahead towards my degree at UCL, but I don’t see anything to look forward to. If my life continues at this rate, I don’t see how I can succeed academically there (get first class) or get a good job. My social life seems like it might remain lacklustre, as the shadow of Cambridge hanging over my life might prevent me from meaningfully engaging. I just don’t feel convinced that I have a future or purpose in this world. Why am I here, just to suffer? Have I lost the war of life? Because I honestly feel like a loser everyday. My Cambridge rejection has triggered a cascade of doubts and fears.