I genuinely understand women’s perspective on being bought dinner now, and it’s not because of “what’s fair.”

For a lot of my twenties & dating life up until recently, I didn’t understand why as a man it was my obligation to pay for the first date. I understand women do generally have it harder than men in so many ways, and I would do it, but it always felt like I was fulfilling an obligation to a stranger that would never be afforded to me.

This is what actually changed that perspective for me:

When my last girlfriend and I started dating it was before my birthday last year, and she insisted on taking me out to dinner at a nice restaurant, which I felt awkward about it. We’d just started dating and it felt like a lot to have someone pay for all that so early on. And I’m someone who doesn’t accept gifts from people generally because I feel like I’m imposing & don’t want to unnecessarily burden someone, but ultimately I agreed.

We had a really nice dinner, had some fun cocktails, and she got me a nice, thoughtful present. I almost cried. I genuinely felt cared for and taken care of in a way I hadn’t felt in years, if not ever. I’d realized I’d never been on the receiving end of that kind of generosity before from someone I care about, and deep down really needed that from. Especially because she genuinely wasn’t obligated to do it, which made it feel even more like an honest gesture. And when she said “it’s because you deserve it” that actually made me believe it. It’s something I would have never realized I needed until someone did it for me.

So, that just made me realize, for the first time, what that gesture really means when you get it from someone you care about, and you want to care about you.

Now I offer that to friends and romantic interest with a sense of joy, knowing how good it can feel.

And to any women who have had the bill split on them in a way that felt distancing: it’s genuinely worth considering that this person has no experience with this gesture outside of “obligation,” and doesn’t know what it can really feel like to receive. That could be a great opportunity to show them :)

Edit: This isn’t about buying a stranger a big dinner on a first date, just to be clear. Sorry I was free-styling first thing in the morning and realize that’s what the title makes it sound like. Societal expectations in dating are genuinely not fair, and can spoil nice gestures like what buying someone a drink is intended to be. But my post about what it can mean to someone, and realizing “because it feels good” is a great reason, now that someone’s made me feel good. I hope you all get to experience that too, as hard as it can be to find 😤🫶