Thinking about walking away from sobriety

Just like the title says, I’m thinking about going out and doing more research. I’ve got 2.5 years of sobriety, but I feel like I don’t have much to show for it—other than being alive, of course. I’ve planned and even set a date for my relapse, but I’m really trying to figure out if AA has anything to offer me and if it’s actually for me.

Part of it is that I want to have fun. Drinking feels like a social lubricant—something to connect with people and help me feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m curious about what’s out there, and I tell myself I can “be responsible” about it.

Another part is that I’ve never really felt like I belonged in AA. It’s never felt super welcoming to me. If anything, being there makes me more uncomfortable with myself. The few relationships I’ve formed seem tied only to AA, not grounded in anything deeper. On top of that, I sometimes feel judged for everything I do.

For example, there was a time I had over a year of sobriety and had already gone to four meetings that week. I told a friend I wanted to hang out with my nephew since I hadn’t seen him in a while, and he basically snapped at me, saying I needed to “get my priorities straight” and go to another meeting. He told me, “It’s because you’re sober that you get to see him.” Then he ended it with, “Go do you,” so I did—and went to hang out with my nephew.

I know a lot of this “feeling alone” and judged is in my head, but there’s also some truth to it. I’ve found AA to be pretty cliquey and hard to break into.

I guess what I’m asking for is help. I know all the advice: lean into the fellowship, keep coming back, talk to the newcomer, etc. But when I weigh sobriety against the idea of “doing research,” the latter sounds way more fun and even beneficial right now.

I remember what it was like when I first came into the rooms, but that’s not enough to deter me. Curiosity—and honestly, a big “F you” to AA—is winning out right now.

Flame me if you want or tell me I’m being stupid (which I fully expect), but I’m genuinely at a crossroads. I feel sad, alone, and stuck. I’m open to suggestions, and I hope that by the time my relapse date comes, I’ll have found a reason to say no. But honestly, I just don’t see that happening at the moment.