I'm never getting better. My life will always be a constant battle and I don't want to do this shit anymore

It never gets better. Depression, anxiety, BPD, anorexia, drug addiction, self harm, my entire life is mental illness. Fucking hell, I AM my mental illness. I can't cope with life without drugs, starvation and/or cutting. Today I had to get stitches, I cut at my friend's house and I had to tell him I needed to go to hospital for stitches. And he got really angry. He shouted at me, told me I keep choosing to destroy myself with my drug use, anorexia and cutting. I wish it was a choice because if it was I'd just stop. But I cant. I'm poison to myself and everyone around me. I hurt him bad, I've been hurting him for a long time. Our friendship went from being incredible and really healthy to falling to pieces. And I know the only way to fix it is for me to get sober, stop cutting and stop restricting and I know I can't do it. I can't do it and survive at the same time because for as long as I remember I've been broken. I've needed these stupid unhealthy coping mechanisms to function and I can't stop. I've tried, believe me I've tried. 8 psych ward admissions. Years and years of all different kinds of therapy. A list of medications I've tried that goes on and on. And nothing works. I always end up back here.

This is my life. The addiction, maybe I can recover from. Maybe it's early enough that with the right help I can get better. But the other stuff? I've been cutting since I was 12. I've had an eating disorder since I was like 8. I grew up having anorexia and orthorexia pushed on me by my own dad. I had a plan to kill myself at the start of the year. I had everything ready to go and guilt stopped me after speaking to a friend who told me how many friends she's lost to suicide and how it's broken her and I felt guilt at the idea of leaving. But even that guilt isn't enough now. I don't want to live a life clean from self harm, drugs and my ED because I know it'll be a battle to make it through each day and I don't have the strength to live a life in misery.

And if I do choose to live, I'll be relying on drugs and cutting to survive. Until I destroy everything in my life. I'll lose all my friends. I'm already on the brink of losing my best friend. I don't have any other proper close friends and maybe it's better off that way because all I do is hurt people. I hurt everyone around me by being the way I am. I'm fucking broken and I can't be fixed. My only way out is suicide. The only way I can stop being a burden to everyone around me is to take myself out of the equation. Either this weekend or next week I'm doing it. I'm not taking my meds so I can save up as many as possible to make sure it works. And I feel relieved. I need to make sure in my note he knows that this was my decision and mine only. I can't leave him with guilt, I can't hurt those around me any more than I already have. And I know I'm being selfish by going but as horrible as it sounds, I don't think I care anymore if it means my pain ends.

All I want is for this pain to end. The constant battle every day. The hoping I'll just die in my sleep or get hit by a car or something. That the drugs will just kill me. Every chest pain I get I hope it's the end. I've wanted this for so long now. I don't remember a time in my life I wasn't mentally ill. I'm so fucking tired. I can't wait for it to all just be over. If I didn't have to babysit for a funeral on Friday I'd do it sooner. I wish I could just do it now. I can't wait for that feeling of relief as I feel my body giving up on me, that feeling of my breathing slowing, my vision fading, my body going weak and numb. Even the pain, I can't wait to feel the pain because that means it'll all be over soon. I'm ready.