autopilot

does anyone else feel like they’re manually controlling themselves, sitting in the backseat of their own body? ever since my best friend passed away i’ve been completely detached. i don’t even know if it’s noticeable to other people since i deal with dissociation and derealisation anyway but it’s been insane for the last few months. like when i found out the news i physically and psychologically felt myself drifting away and i’ve never really come to the surface again. i know it’s my brain’s way of protecting itself but it’s torturous in it’s own way and sometimes i’d just like to feel like a human again. i know grief doesn’t look a certain way, and to a lot of people it seems like i’m doing well, as i’m hearing a lot. in some ways i appreciate the sentiment but it just isn’t true. i don’t feel whole, i don’t know who i am anymore, i feel disconnected from so many people, this whole experience is completely othering. if it wasn’t for my parents i would not be functioning whatsoever. i’m basically being supervised 24/7 - it’s been framed in a way to not make me feel patronised, but i know what it is.