My Dad's new relationship gives me the ick - what do I do?
Ok, I haven't been on reddit in years but I need some advice.
(Names are changed for privacy)
Background:
My (36 f) Dad (63 m) and Mum (58 f) divorced when I was a child (her request). Mum remarried (stepfather was 18 yrs older than her), then divorced again because she came out of the closet. She and her girlfriend (Helen, 60's f) are very happy together, and live about 1.5 hrs away from me/my husband (36 m)/our kids (10 m and 5 f). We don't see them often due to work schedules and travel time, but we speak every week or so to catch up.
When Mum and Dad separated, he had a few relationships with women my sister (Lucy, 35 f) and I didn't meet, then he had a long-term relationship with a lady (Ann - 2 yrs older than Dad) but they didn't live together. They were a couple for around 20 years before they parted amicably.
As a child, he would visit us on the weekend (when we were under 10 years old), but frequently cancelled at the last minute because of trouble with his transport. Lucy says that there were no problems with his motorbike, and that this always coincided with when he got a new girlfriend, but I can't remember well enough to form an opinion on that. As we got older, Lucy and I would travel 2 hrs by train to spend the weekend with him once a fortnight in London.
When I grew up I moved from south-east England up to Yorkshire, met my husband, and had my own family. I would hear from Dad maybe once a fortnight to catch up, and we would visit a couple of times a year (staying at Lucy's house)
A couple of years after Dad and Ann split (they're still friends and talk regularly on the phone), Dad decided to move from London (where Lucy now lives with her 6yo) back up to Yorkshire (where he was born), and now lives in the same city as me. This was all during 2020-2022 and the Covid lockdowns, and he was one of the ones who was in a medically induced coma when he caught it himself - he almost died, and we're all relieved that he made it through when so many others didn't.
He's spent the last two years dealing with the disabilities caused by contracting covid, with me/my husband helping out where needed, and we've been encouraging him to socialise where he can because he was fairly isolated since his move up here. He would call me literally every day to talk on the phone and expect to spend at least one full day at the weekend together. As a family we found this to be quite intense, and it meant that our routines all had to change to accommodate him. It's not that we didn't want to spend time with him, just that it was *a lot*, so we were happy for him and relieved for ourselves when he started making friends up here too, and the pressure of being his only social outlet eased.
The Situation:
Late last year (November, I think), during one of our visits, Dad mentioned that someone from his past had tracked him down on social media, and they'd spent hours catching up on the phone. He was really excited to hear from them, and we were all happy for him.
The next visit, he told us more about the person. It was his ex-girlfriend from before he met Mum, Ellie. We all marvelled at how technology helps people reconnect, and he talked about their plans to meet up during the coming week. I jokingly gave him the stranger-danger talk and the rules which I was taught about meeting people IRL when you met over the internet, but he became serious and said "she's not a stranger, I've known her since I was 18."
I reassured him that I was joking, because I'm not his parent and, while I do want him to be safe, I'm sure he knows how to be sensible about meeting someone who he hasn't interacted with in over four decades. I pointed out that people change, and that they are basically strangers so to please be careful.
We didn't talk about it again until a few weeks later, when he referred to Ellie as his girlfriend. He said that they'd been talking every night, and met up at least once each week, and now she was sleeping over.
Of course, we were all surprised at how fast things were moving, but we respected their decision as adults. Then he said he wanted to introduce Ellie to us that weekend, which we agreed to, though I was a bit concerned about the kids meeting her. They called Ann "Nana Ann" (Mum is Grandma, and Hellen is Grandma Helen), and while Ann and I were not close, I didn't want them to be encouraged to call Ellie "Nana Ellie" and develop a close bond if this was going to be like Dad's series of relationships between Mum and Ann - over in a few months. Fortunately, Dad introduced her as just Ellie, and things seemed to be ok.
That was in January.
Every time we visited Dad, from then on, Ellie was there. I had several conversations with her, and she's ... fine. There's nothing to dislike about her. There's also nothing to actively like. She's the personification of Magnolia paint - inoffensive, bland, and exists as a backdrop to the others in the room. Honestly, I feel bad for her. She has no hobbies, no interests, no opinions. All conversations with her are restricted to small-talk because she has nothing to say.
I've had enough therapy myself to know that this is massively unhealthy, but she is not my monkey and that is not my circus.
In February, Dad said "if I gave up my flat and moved in with Ellie, would you want my furniture?" (He rents a 1 bed flat in a sheltered housing complex for over 55yos from the council, while she owns a 3 bed house in a town about 1 hour away)
To say I was shocked at the question would be an understatement. They've been dating for less than 6 months, and he's talking about moving in? More than that, he's talking about surrendering his tenancy in a social housing project which he wouldn't be able to get back if things go wrong.
Then it came out that they have a joint bank account. Again, there's nothing inherently wrong with this, but they don't live together, they aren't married, and they've known each other for a matter of months. Yes, I was worried.
He said that it's just for groceries, because she stays over so much it just makes sense to have a shared bank account for food. When I asked why not just take turns paying if it means that much to them to monitor it, he said "well, Ellie has never had a relationship where she could trust her partner with the money, so this is for her."
This lead to a conversation where Dad explained her history. I'll summarise, because this is already long:
- Ellie and Dad dated when she was 16 and he was 18
- Ellie's mum made some choices which, IMO, would land her on the JustNoMIL sub, and "made" Ellie break up with Dad (Dad joked that if things had been different then Ellie would have been my mum)
- Ellie had a series of bad relationships with varying levels of abuse in each one, including the father of her child (30 something m - I've never met him, but apparently he's single and child-free by choice)
- She had at least one miscarriage in the past
- - Throughout all of this, Ellie continued to hold a torch for Dad and would talk about him to her friends
- Ellie's mum isn't in the picture, I think she died a while back but I can't be sure
- Ellie has and plays with reborn dolls (I'm not judging, but they freak Lucy out, and Lucy said she thinks this is unresolved trauma from the miscarriage(s))
- Dad and Ellie made jokes about a friend of hers, who they learned doesn't have access to her own bank cards or any kind of outside communication without her husband's consent - they said that Dad is one of the good ones because he isn't like that.
Dad insists that the relationship isn't going too fast. He says that they are basically the same people they were when they were dating the first time. He also said that "she worships the ground [he] walk[s] on".
She's effectively moved into his flat, and now she's talking about marriage. She's retired, and he's signed of on disability, so they just spend all their time together. She takes him to his hospital appointments (a 10 minute walk from his flat), and has just stepped into the role of 1950's housewife.
The Question:
I've already started subconsciously distancing my family because of this, reducing visits to a couple of hours once or twice a month, and phone calls to one a week, if that, because being around them makes me so uncomfortable and I don't want the children to form a bond then deal with losing another "nana".
Are my feelings of unease unfounded?
I know that they are adults, and their relationship is none of my business, but when I compare what I see between them with other relationships between adults (including my own, my friends, Mum and Helen, etc) I'm worried about everyone in this situation.