POCD+REOCD, please, please read

i am 14 and a girl. though i am undiagnosed, i've been dealing with symptoms of ocd that i can trace back to elementary school and even earlier. my entire life, ive been on the internet unsupervised, and though i am grateful for that privacy and freedom, ive seen things i wish i never did, especially considering the age i found out about them at.

this is really hard for me to type out, but i figured out how to pleasure myself at a very early age (like also elementary school) just by pressing on my groin with my hands. (relevant later) when i was 12-13, i started getting intrusive thoughts about taboo topics, starting with my parents and quickly jumping to children and animals, which sent me fucking SPIRALING. i worked up the courage to look it up, and realized i was dealing with a form of pure o ocd. every symptom lined up, and i started presented themselves throughout my life and negatively affected me were ocd. i have no doubt as to my diagnosis, and ive talked to my parents about it.

at age 13, last november and october, i was at a low point, so deep in a POCD spiral that i was virtually non functional, so tired and anxious i checked out of school and friendships and everything, was considering suicide as my final option.

my fears had a lot to do with groinal responses. but my saving grace was the park swing, where i could zone out and listen to music, which was adjacent to an elementary school. one day at my lowest, i was sitting at a swing, and i was compelled to "check" my response with a toddler that was behind me. my "checking" was focused solely on my mental response, however, because i already understood groinal responses.

the way that that i was sitting on the meant that my legs were squished together, and the arousal (which i know is due to over awareness of the area and anxiety, i understand) was stronger than usual. I felt like i was being sexually tortured. without thinking, i put my hands on my groin in an effort to either "see" how close i was or just to get relief, and pressed for 2-3 seconds maybe? i don't think anyone saw, because they were all behind me, but maybe they caught a glimpse, i don't know... i don't know what i was thinking. i acted on pure impulse. ever since, it has plagued me. i've been mostly fine over the course of the last year, but now it's all coming back. i cannot handle the idea of ever being at a low point like that again. am i a rapist? was that public indecency? if it was, what do i do? how do i get over this?

please help me. i'm so desperate.