TW : mental health/ Sisters I need help I have jealousy and a dirty heart

I feel abandoned by everyone. I asked around me for marriage. I posted here. I created an account on Salams. And months after months I still haven’t found the right one whilst everyone is getting married!!!! When I was younger I had potentials but my ADHD was preventing me from entering a relationship. Now I feel like it’s my appearance and personality that aren’t attractive.

I have Self-H””med and everyday I beg Allah to take my life. The more time passes the more I am desperate. I see the therapist since 2018. I have seen many psychologist and a life coach it has cost me tons of money and most agreed that finding a partner will help. This trial of Allah is threatening my life. I just want to end everything. I’m serious. I beg you help me help me. Take me seriously. I fear the day I ll commit suic***.

I even did research for my masters degree on mental health issues to grow and learn, I do Quran classes I haven’t studied yet bc I’m completely in chaos in my head, I am calling in sick for work tomorrow morning. I am in total despair. I just want to nurture my husband and love him. Why isn’t he by side.

Sometimes I feel like I should just do surgery. Help me please dear Muslimah