10 Things I Wished I'd Known Before Transitioning
This was partially inspired by the great post on more general advice for trans folks, but there's a few trans-girl specific things I'd really wish I'd known. For reference, I've been on HRT for three years, lived full-time for three years, and pass 95%.
Edit for those of ya'll who don't understand this: This is not a comprehensive list that applies to every trans woman in every country, is not intended to be, and is based on the goals I had for my transition and my life. When I discuss issues of better fitting into social spaces, it is not because it what was must or ought do, but because it makes our lives much easier, at no cost to ourselves or the people around us.
And to the couple of people who are floating the 'wanting to pass is transphobic/immoral because it's leaving non-passing trans people behind' narrative, please stop. Just stop. You are just being transphobic do that, because you are criticising a trans person for their dysphoria and how they deal with. And it says a lot you assume I've done that - I am 100% open about the fact I'm trans and wear a trans bracelet every day, and actively engage in activism for trans rights. Grow up.
- You won't get fashion or makeup right away. There's a lot to feminine fashion and makeup that is quite difficult, and it can be hard to know what will be right for you. Very often, the things you wear early on that you often fantasised about wearing will feel great, but might not fit, in both side and in style. This can lead to a lot of dysphoria and confusion. For example, you may start out wearing summer dresses but find that doesn't suit you, and a jeans and tee do. Or, you may be like me, and wanted to be a gothic girl that wore black jeans and band hoodies, but then find out that strangely, dresses are exactly what fits! Makeup and hair are the same - it took me three years to find a makeup routine that consistently works for me! Remember - girls who grow up girls take years and years to find a style that suits them. Don't expect to do it yourself right away. Be kind to yourself.
- HRT does a lot. And it keeps on changing things. Even three years in, starting progesterone in the last six months, I'm still noticing serious changes to my face and body. And it does a lot for passing. Feminisation of the face but especially the eyes goes a really long way, and as someone who's had to come off HRT more than once for financial reasons, it's a real visible difference. So just be patient with it.
- Female friends/family are LIFE SAVERS. So many things, from fashion to makeup to social etiquette, get a lot easier with supportive girls/women in your life to guide you on the magical journey. Don't be afraid to lean on the accepting women in your life a little more when you come out.
- Beauty treatments. A good hair styling can make or break passing. It makes or breaks passing for me. I see too many trans girls (I was one) ~2 years HRT and they struggle with passing and it can actually be down to the hair. Also, getting eyebrows professionally waxed, and a few other focuses beauty treatments, can go a really long way in helping passing. And, if you will be nervous about going into public spaces to get those things. Call ahead, and ask if they work with trans women, if that helps. And don't be ashamed of getting someone (especially a female friend) to go with you!
- There is shit you have to leave at the door. There are things that are unacceptable as a woman that shouldn't have been acceptable when you lived as a man and people will pick up on it. Aggressions is a prime example. The social etiquette and personal work that goes into decoding toxic masculinity and femininity, as they are taught into us, are things transitioning forces you to tackle, because it is far more accepted to do those things as a man, and you may find yourself struggling in social spaces and struggling to make friends if you don't decode these things. Is it fair? No. But it work that everyone, men and women and enbies, cis and trans, all need to do. And doing that work will actually help you pass better, too.
- You may end up getting more shit for being a woman than being trans. I think this depends on the visibility of your transness and the area you live in, but I know that for me personally, I've actually had far more abusive, inappropriate touching, inappropriate comments, about my female body than my transness. Comments on my ass, on my boobs, on being pretty, men being pushy - this is quite likely to happen.
- In the same vein, it's hard to tell if people are staring at you because you're trans or because you're hot/pretty. It could be either, neither, and both. But not all stares are because you don't pass or because you're being seen as some kind of oddity/freak. It took me a long time to realise this. This becomes more relevant once you've been transitioning for a bit, but it's good to know beforehand.
- You will have a lot of misconceptions about life as a woman. A lot of things will be a shock to you. It's things that women have been trying to tell men for a very long time, so it can frustrate women who have been living as women for a while to have women who are new to being women complain to them about it because it is new to them. That said, they can also be greatly sympathetic, but it's about being sensitive and aware of the history and their struggle with these things. An example for me was the world of difference between knowing how badly men sexually harass random women, and actually experiencing a man trying to grab me in the street. Being aware that these moments will be hard and shocking and more than you expected, and being aware of how to talk to other women about it, will go a long way in helping you get through it. Even without the transphobia, life will get harder. At least, in that respect. This might be where the frustrating 'welcome to being a woman' phrase comes from - but as someone who has been living as a woman for a while - sometimes it's the only response we have the emotional energy on the topic to muster up. And you may one day recognise why.
- Have fun. Being trans has its hardships. Dysphoria is scary. But don't make that difficulty and fear your whole life. Remember to enjoy yourself in this area of your life and others.
- Whilst the popular online culture is to know tons of trans girls and be friends with them/date them, that might not end up being you. You may still find yourself getting on with guys the most, or making mostly cis friends. You might not fit in at your local LGBT groups. I think it's important for trans girls to recognise early on that you might find friends and allies you didn't expect. The one friend who stuck with me from my pre-transition was the Christian who goes to church three times a week, and is the only one among my old friends who always uses the right pronouns and terminology for me, even when I'm not there. You genuinely don't know - the only thing that is sure is that someone, at least, will distance themselves. It's unfair, but be ready for that. It'll hurt.