“You look good with a baby”

In the evenings I coach fitness classes, and long story short, at some point a mother asked me to get her baby so I did and I was entertaining him for a bit while she was finishing an exercise. At some point another guy said “that looks good!” I asked what does and he said “you with a baby”. He’s a super nice guy and has no idea I’m infertile, so I just smiled at him and turned around. But it broke me a little inside. I’ve had three failed IUIs, three failed IVF cycles (I cannot make blasts), just found out I likely have stage IV endo so will have to have a laparoscopy in February, and after that, we only have money for one more cycle.

The limbo of not knowing whether or not the lap will make a difference for my egg quality, whether I’ll have anything to transfer, and even if I do, whether it’ll work, or if I’ll just have to be childless, all of that hurts so bad. Meanwhile I’ve friends who started trying at the same time as I do currently having their 2nds, and another friend who did IVF at the same time as my 3rd cycle is now pregnant. She’s 42 and I’m 28. All of this sucks.

Crazy how one little comment can trigger me so much, but I loved holding a baby, and the fact that I might never have one, breaks me from the inside.