Coming up on a year

I lost my mom a year ago, at the same age she was when she had me.

I didn't realize just how much I still relied on my mom, just how much she was my strength. I feel the emptiness of her loss every day. There's just a silence and solitude where she used to be. I feel like my confidence has reverted back to the awkward, self conscious teenager I once was. Everything I've built up since then feels so fragile. I don't feel as confident at work, with friends, in my relationship. Just vulnerable.

I don't know how to talk about it. People just casually bring up their parents, ask about mine. What do you even say? I answer specific questions that come up. Where was she from? What did she do for work? But all I can think when I answer is, "she's dead."

I so desperately want her back, to hear her voice. To talk to her. I'm the eldest, her only daughter, and so much of my family's grief and support has fallen on me. I could not have predicted just how much I still need my mother.

I wonder if, when, maybe some day, things may get better. I still feel a long way from it. I move forward every day. I work, I connect with friends, I walk my dog, I go to the gym. But I'm carrying a weight with me everywhere I go. When can I leave that weight behind?