I'm extremely disappointed to admit that I currently do not have any HVW in my life (besides you ladies on FDS), nor any HVM. At times, I feel discouraged because I realize how alone I am in my views, and I feel deeply distraught that no one I know shares the same principles as me regarding porn, relationships, and sex. That being said, though, I remind myself that it's better to do the best thing for my self growth, even if it's a long and lonely path, rather than fall back into relationships (not necessarily romantic or sexual; platonic relationships, too) with people who are misogynistic, patriarchal, and toxic.

Whenever I feel desperate to reach out to my so-called "friends," simply because we have a long history together (many of them are childhood friends who I grew up with), I look back at all the terrible things they've said or done as adults, and I tell myself that just because we got along as children and teenagers doesn't mean that they're necessarily a good person to have in my life right now. For example:

The Various Crimes of Multiple LVM "Friends"

• one of my classmates who I've known since 4th grade called one of our elementary school teachers a "MILF." He's currently dating someone he met from his workplace, and she posts pictures of him on her social media multiple times per week. Is she trying to convince herself that he's more high-value than he actually is?
• a neighbor of mine started dating an underage girl while we were in our early 20s, and they're still dating now (she just turned "legal" very recently and they almost immediately had sex - this is the literal textbook definition of grooming). This LVM is one year older than me, yet while I'm already in grad school pursuing my PhD, he's still in community college taking general education classes
• someone I met in college thinks he's the hottest shit and says that it's "so hard" to "find women who meet his standards." And by "standards," I mean physical standards - he's specifically into Asian international students (our university is located in the United States) or Asian Americans "who aren't too westernized" - this just screams fetishization to me. The worst part of this is, he doesn't mean just any Asians, but "Oriental" Asians as in Chinese, Japanese, or Korean women. I'm also Asian, but I'm from Southeast Asia, so even though I guess this makes me safe from this gross fetish, it's also simultaneously degrading, as if to say that Indonesian, Malaysian, Vietnamese, Thai, Filipino, etc. women are "too dark-skinned" or "too poor" or "too ~insert negative quality here~" for his "refined taste." He is also only attracted to women with the "ulzzang" appearance, which is a beauty trend that I will never be able to get behind because it's honestly just makeup that makes all these women literally look like cookie-cutter products that came out of a combination anime + k-pop factory
• a classmate who I've known since junior high is currently in an open relationship with a bisexual woman, and he says he loves being able to watch his girlfriend do stuff with other women, while he himself also gets to do stuff with other women, too. It's literally a win-win situation for him and his perverted lesbian fantasies, but despite all of this, he still feels the need to watch porn
• someone from my graduate school cohort tried to justify child hentai as "ethical" because "no real children are being harmed" and when I heard this statement, I almost barfed in my mouth. First of all, child porn, whether real or animated, is never acceptable. Even if it's a cartoon and no actual children are being raped, it's still problematic because it encourages the men who consume this degenerate content to think that it's okay to get off to stuff like this. Second of all, the problem isn't even specifically limited to child hentai, but porn in general - porn, whether it's of real women or animated, and whether it's amateur or professional, will never be acceptable, because even if someone tries to convince themselves that it was "ethically produced," there will still never be such thing as "ethical consumption." Porn, no matter how it was created, can never be ethical, because the simple consumption of it means that you're okay with treating women as sexual objects who exist purely for your sexual gratification rather than as actual human beings; it means that you're okay with an industry that actively contributes to the rape, trafficking, and abuse of women and children; and it means that you would prefer to bond with pixels on a screen rather than with an actual partner

The Various Crimes of Multiple Pickme "Friends"

• someone who I was very close to in junior high and high school said that it's unfair of me to denounce porn, because:

1. there's always another side of the argument so we shouldn't be so judgmental (COUNTERARGUMENT: no matter what the "other side" says, there is nothing they can ever say to dismiss the fact that porn is inherently linked to sexual exploitation)
2. not all people are braindead when consuming porn (COUNTERARGUMENT: scientific research literally shows that excessive porn use is detrimental to our brains)
3. I shouldn't just project my ideas onto everyone because sometimes men just enjoy masturbating and can't get turned on without porn (COUNTERARGUMENT: the internet is only about 50 years old, and the printing press, if we're talking about the first widespread media, was from the 1400s, which is less than a thousand years ago. Compared to this recent industrial and digital age, humans have been around for far longer, and if cavemen wanted to jerk off, I'm sure they would have, which is a discouraging fact since this means that the average caveman has more of an imagination than the modern 21st century man)
4. I shouldn't "hate men just for watching porn" (COUNTERARGUMENT: when men watch porn, they are actively hating women! They are literally objectifying a woman and degrading her to nothing but her physical features which he finds sexually attractive - porn is not only, not loving, but to engage in this sort of behavior is an active act of hatred)
5. apparently onlyfans is "empowering" because "women can make a living out of it" (COUNTERARGUMENT: just because a few women are making bank, doesn't mean that the vast majority of them are. This goes for any business - some people will make it big and make it to the top, but most people won't, and it doesn't make sense to see these anecdotes as an example of success, when in reality they're actually the exception, not the norm. Additionally, even if theoretically every woman on onlyfans (or patreon or snapchat or instagram or a cam model website or any other platform) were somehow able to become magically financially successful from sex work, it's still morally wrong because it perpetuates the toxic idea that women's bodies are literally a commodity that can be bought and sold - this is the textbook definition of objectification)

• an acquaintance who I met through an extracurricular club in college claimed that couples can watch porn together to (1) spice up their sex life, (2) make the bond between them closer, and (3) do something fun together. This honestly made me so depressed...

1. you know what can actually spice up your sex life? Maybe go and have some actual, intimate, loving sex!
2. porn is clinically proven to make people bond to the porn, rather than their actual partners, and it legitimately messes up the chemicals in people's brains. Not only does porn not make people closer to their partners, but it actively makes them feel farther away
3. there are plenty of fun things to do together: go hiking, learn a new recipe, find a new favorite restaurant, explore nearby cities, start a cool hobby, etc. the list can go on and on... you know what's not fun? The literal degradation, humiliation, and rape of women and children

• a classmate I met in my university is exactly what it means to be a pickme - she's desperate for a man, constantly seeks male validation, and will do anything just to be in a relationship. She thinks that she would be lucky if someone wanted to be her boyfriend because she's "not conventionally attractive," but the only unattractive thing about her is her low self-esteem. Girl, go and love yourself! She's intelligent, driven, and talented in many ways even outside of her academic and professional career, yet she constantly acts like she needs a man to complete her. I told her to check out FDS, but sadly she can't be saved

Low-value men and women are everywhere. They aren't just present in our romantic / sexual relationships, but in every aspect of our lives as well. I have always known never to settle for less than I deserve when it comes to dating, but it took me longer to come around when I realized that this applies to friendships, too.

When things get lonely, when things get hard, and when things get bad on my current journey of healing and self-love, I look back in detail at all the specific incidents where the LVM and pickmes in my life have shown their true nature, and I just have to remind myself:

Remember all the the things they said and remember all the things they did. Don't ever go back, because you deserve only the best