Why can’t I move on?

The past four months or so have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I started feeling better, happier, healthier. I could look at pictures of us without being sad. But mostly I had this heavy hope that maybe someday we would be able to try again. I think this was what kept me going at first, then I started feeling like I would be fine regardless. But that hope was still at the back of my mind.

Then I broke NC to tell him happy birthday (here to tell you it’s probably not worth it and probably won’t have the effect you want and I wish I listened) because I wanted to be on good terms with him. And from then things sort of spiraled. He responded but conversations felt formal. I kept trying to talk and he’d send little to no response. All after being so kind and sweet throughout our year plus of being together, and even throughout the process of the breakup. Then I found out from social media that he had a new partner and had probably gotten with them less than 2 months after breaking up with me with the explicit reasoning that he could not be in any relationship.

I know rationally that I would be really fucking stupid to wait on him. I would be really stupid to want him back, to message him anymore. Which message him, I won’t. Regardless of what was going through his mind when he left me and got with someone new, he’s a coward for not being honest about his reasons, he’s a coward if he checked out way before and kept stringing me along, he’s a coward if he left me for them, and he’s a coward if he’s using them as a rebound. I was angry and I told him it would’ve saved me a lot of pain had I just had to accept he wasn’t into me instead of rationalizing his excuses and keeping that hope alive that maybe he’d change his mind. He kept denying that he broke up with me for any other reason than what he told me.

So why can’t I just move on?? I’ve been left for other people twice before in my life, and while there was attachment and a period of suffering, I knew from the moment it happened that there was no turning back. When those two people tried coming back into my life after some time, I had no problem ignoring their messages. Why do I yearn for him to realize he made a mistake and come back wanting to make things right? Knowing him I know if he came back it’s unlikely everything would fit the needed circumstances for it to have a chance of lasting and not ending the same way. In the event this did happen, I wouldn’t trust myself to not go back. More than anything, I’m bothered by the fact that I feel like I’m just waiting for it to happen, and that I WANT it to happen, knowing I shouldn’t.

I want so desperately to be able to move on and find someone new who is secure and willing to put in the effort. Someone that really values me and loves me genuinely and wouldn’t give up on me and wouldn’t think of replacing me. And maybe I’m just still not ready and it’s only a matter of time. But the feeling right now is wearing me out and making me feel so bad about myself. I’ve been working to rebuild my self esteem and I thought I was at a good point, so why is it not high enough when it comes to this? Why can I accept that the breakup was fully about him and not about me but I can’t accept never loving him again?

I was angry. I cried and I vented to friends and I kept saying this was really over now, and I started feeling better. I’ve been going about my daily life, I made a therapy appointment, I’ve been thinking about the cons of being with him and the things that I would want in a new partner. I’m trying to be patient with myself and let myself feel how I feel, scroll through these subs until I get tired, journal, rationalize his actions. And it helps. But deep down all I want is to know that he’s feeling my pain and regretting it. I gave him his first healthy, loving relationship he’s ever had (or at least this is what he claimed while breaking up) and can’t understand why it wasn’t worth the effort of becoming the better boyfriend he felt I deserved, but suddenly another person is worth it. Part of the hurt is surely my bruised ego but if it was really about pride I would have let the resentment and frustration fuel me into moving on long ago, like I did twice in the past. Why can’t I just accept that regardless of what he said, he doesn’t love me or want me and stop hoping?