Trying to increase switch frequency and communication clarity. Help.

Hey, I'm the host of our system. I take care of everything on this side. Work, bills, masking, etc. I'm also an APN (apparently normal part) so maintaining a good mask and feeling normal feel important to me. I've pushed the rest of the system away and have been a bit of a control freak who also fell hard into denial. My system forgives me, infact they were never mad to begin with. Only now that we're talking again, they constantly worry about me disappearing again. We've worked on that alot tho and rebuilt a lot of trust back. Still, communication is bad, I can only really clearly and regularly interact with 3 of the 15 system mates. I've tried reaching out but I hear nothing. I feel frustrated at the situation and also myself bcus it was me who once told the brain that I didn't want to know and I got what I wanted. Our walls are high and thick. (Except for when we smoke. And I find myself smoking more to feel closer to them.)

I'm really embarrassed of the host I used to be. I don't want to pretend to be a singlet anymore. I am happier with the system in my life. They're awesome and complex individuals who I'm lucky to have. And it's really tiring fronting 24/7. Maybe I wouldn't be falling apart all the time if I could leave the front sometimes. I try to but nothing happens most of the time and when we do switch intentionally, it doesn't stick. Idk what to do to get back to the level kf communication we once had years ago but I miss it. Any hints would be appreciated