I desperately want to believe.

My name is Brandon. I'm 23 years old and I'm from the Midwest. I wasn't raised religious, but at the start of last year, I felt a pull towards God. It started when I read the paradiso portion of the Divine Comedy. I know it's not biblical, more like fanfiction. But the themes of love and mercy spoke to me. I've loved the outdoors since I was young and after looking, I saw the grace and beauty of God everywhere I looked. I bought several translations of the Bible and began to read several side by side. At some point, I truly believed. I felt..full? I felt a strength and love for the world I'd never felt before. Shortly after, I began to lose everything. Lost my job, had to sell my car, lost my place, lost another job, then another, and then my girlfiend of four years who randomly began to show me a cruelty I didn't think she was capable of. This all happened around the time that I got to the store of Job. Obviously it spoke to me. I eventually started to lose faith. Express acceptance of slavery in the Bible, worldwide tragedy, and what would look like clumsiness in the Divine plan if there was one, drove me away a few months ago. The God of the Bible seems like a tribal war God. Why would God allow the norms of the time infect his word? Men shouldn't have haircuts? Really? I was a better man when I was a Christian. I'm hateful, bitter, depressed, and have fallen into sexual degeneracy. I won't get into the last one. This sub is already filled to the brim of that topic. I miss gods love. But it feels like it was all a dream. It feels like just a memory to me. If God is out there, I want to find him again. But I don't know. I feel like I'm stuck and I cannot think clearly. Thank you for reading, I know this was a long most and might not be as well structured as it could've been. Please forgive my broken brain. Lol

Thank you, take care.