What’s your thoughts? Looking for outside perspectives.

Last year I got into a huge fight with God over anxiety thoughts and thinking God was doing it. I was coming down from drugs and told him I would kill him ( i know how disgusting that is ) (I’m disgusted by it too) After I said it I felt extremely guilty and scared. I felt like he wanted to punish me. So I told him as punishment I won’t go to Mexico where my family lives. I have no idea why I would say something so stupid. Well I told him I’d clean his church as apology and to let me go to Mexico again. I’ve cleaned it more than a dozen times and said sorry. But I’m scared to go down there. We are supposed to get married down there but I feel like God would hurt my marriage if I go since of what I said. What can I do?