I broke up with my girlfriend only to realise she was perfect for me 8 years later

Eight years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years and for some reason, I just now realised she would have been perfect for me. At the time I gave her some bullshit reason that I didn’t want to have kids and she did, so it would be unfair to stay together only for us to break up later. I was 20… What the hell did I know about having kids…

I’ve always been bad with feelings (apparently even more so with my own) so I just spent the last 8 years throwing myself into college and then work, suppressing any time to work through this. Of course, waiting 8 years to deal with feelings doesn't exactly make it easier for someone who still tries to think rationally about these things: how many of my memories are accurate, how much was changed to fit who I am now... For some reason, ‘suppose life calmed down a bit, I suddenly realised that I was a complete idiot and that breaking up with her was the biggest mistake of my life…

She was perfect for me. She’s gorgeous, smart, driven, social, funny, loves animals and most importantly, when I was with her, she just made me feel happy and at peace. She made me a better person. She had similar interests and values, yet she was excitingly different and complementary in other aspects. She completed me while still being compatible… and we adored and trusted each other… When she was near, all I wanted to do was make her feel happy and safe.

Looking back, I think the actual reason I broke up was the idea that I wouldn’t live life to its full potential if I didn’t have complete freedom. You know, 20 year old me had it all figured out… I got scared of losing even just a touch of control over my life. So I looked for anything confirming that thought. I got scared of how she was changing me. How she was ‘forcing me’ to do these things that weren’t me, like going to parties, meeting her friends (she needs a really active social life), trying to get me to play golf… In reality, those things happened maybe a few times a year: she was sharing her life with me when I was closed off to her about mine. I felt like she never took an interest in my life, yet I rarely gave her any openings to do so. I never asked her to come to judo with me, I never asked her to play a videogame together, or to just sit down and read a book together, go for a walk or a jog…

For christ sake, I remember how she would hurry to class in the morning and being annoyed at the little crime scene she left behind (half-empty cereal bowl still on the desk, last night's clothes on the floor, toothpaste in the sink).

But, instead of working up the courage to talk with her about these things, I ran. I ran and I convinced myself I was doing the right thing. I broke up and I convinced her to let me go because ‘we would be incompatible in the long run and it was the better choice for her’. Idiot!

Being an introvert with a fairly high dose of social anxiety, I never opened up about it to any of my friends or family, so life just moved on, ignoring the fact that I was trying to fill up a void with more and more side projects. I think I remember briefly regretting my decision the instant I made it. I remember telling my friend about the break up and when he asked why I just  shrugged “I don’t really know”. Yet I went for a jog to clear my head instead of trying to understand why. In time, I think I somewhat learned to love her from a distance, but I guess I never really did distance myself from that love…

And so now I wonder. I wonder what life with her would have been like. I wonder if I would ever have realised how perfect she was for me, or if I would always have had a sense of regret over lost freedom. I wonder how quickly she would have realised that meeting her friends and partying actually stressed me out more than anything else and whether or not that would have been a deal breaker for her. I wonder if I should contact her, if she has really moved on from me, if she still thinks about me, if she is as happy with her current partner as she was with me, if I’ll ever see her again. I wonder whether this is personal growth or whether this sudden loneliness and pain has no explanation. I wonder if what I am feeling would go away if I just throw myself into more side projects or if I can ever be as happy with someone else as I was with her… I suppose I probably could find someone that fits with me, but I’m just so fucking scared of even trying… Scared of forgetting about her. Scared of eventually breaking up again for some idea of what could be.

I don’t know if there is an actual question at the end of this. Maybe just a reminder to work up the courage and fight for who you love, no matter the cost, even if at the time you don’t realise what it is that makes you love her… Please, don’t just throw away the greatest thing in your life because you are scared!

Thanks for listening.