I’m desperate for reassurance

I (27F) just ended my relationship with my boyfriend of 6 years today. I’ll try to keep it brief:

We started as friends freshman year of college. I had a crush on him but it was freshman year so I let it go and we became super good friends. End of sophomore year he tells me he has feelings, we hookup, and start dating halfway through junior year (he went abroad fall semester and we didn’t make it official until he came back). The relationship was great through college.

The first 2 years out of college were also good, but a huge period of growth for me especially. He grew in that he moved into an apartment with his high school friends (same ones he lived with in college) and got a better job with a better income. I survived a residency year during the pandemic into immediately starting my own practice. I had a REALLY hard couple of years and don’t think he really understood the growth I underwent but also how intense and tough this time was for me.

I also have lived at home the entire time while he stayed in the city with his friends. I couldn’t afford to move out, but 2 years ago realistically we could’ve made it happen. He stayed in the same apartment with the same friends and sorta became stagnant, but I figured he’d get living there with his friends out of his system and move in with me after.

This whole past year I’ve felt like I was growing faster than him. At this point it’s been 4 years of essentially only seeing each other on weekends and not really having the necessary deep talks and texts otherwise. I’ve started 2 businesses, taken up hobbies, and time is limited. It’s been so hard to do it all, see friends and see him only on weekends. It’s been wearing on me and I brought it up all year but never got more out of him. In August of this year I finally started really pushing harder about living together and he freaked out. After 6 years, it shouldn’t be so hard right?

Today we broke up. After months of feeling like I’m screaming into the void, he still couldn’t commit to the future. The day to day has always been good, but it was never about building the future together. He’s my best friend, we love each other, there are no hard feelings. Our timelines just aren’t matching up. We cried for 3 hours today when we talked and basically said maybe we’re not meant to be together romantically. I have no idea what to do. After 6 years I really thought he was it for me, but I think I knew in my gut a long time ago that something wasn’t right and I just couldn’t admit it.

It hurts so much. Losing my best friend, even though we’ve spent less time together lately from being busy. Will I move on? Will I be ok? How do I even handle this? I know everyone says I deserve someone who will be all-in for me, but I always thought it’d be him, and now I’m torn between being excited to see what my future holds, but also being 27 and single living at home after losing my best friend.

I just need hope. It fucking hurts and still hasn’t set in. How do I even find someone else in life? Why couldn’t he be ready? I don’t want to live with the “what if” we just moved in sooner, what if we moved in now and it didn’t work etc. I want a man to be all in for me and I wanted it to be him so badly, but I guess it’s not. We know we’ll talk again, but for now we’re doing no contact. Everybody thought we were endgame but it just wasn’t deep enough to survive. I don’t have regrets but I’ll always wonder if it could’ve been different. He was so sad today with me but knows he can’t give me what I deserve even though he wishes he could. This is the worse kind of breakup. We didn’t fight, I was too complicit, and it was a pretty mild 6 years with issues. Maybe in the end we just became bestfriends with some benefits who weren’t single. Idk.

Any advice is welcome.