I feel like I'm losing my mind

It's been 9 months since we broke up and around 3 months since we went no contact. I'm on medication and in therapy. I am trying to get to know people, find some friends, attend classes and sign up for stuff like workshops etc. Also been getting back to some hobbies.

But it feels like I'm worse than before. It's just not getting any better. I feel like I will never in my life get over him unless I find someone new. But the thought of being with someone that's not him disgusts me. I'm in my head the entire time - what I know is called limerence and maladaptive daydreaming. Instead of focusing on my final year at Uni and preparing for exams and writing my thesis I'm spending time watching YT videos about manifestation. I'm also desperately messaging people offering free tarot readings. I've never been into that stuff especially since I study psychology. But now it's like I need to cling to something spiritual or magical to save me.

Today was the first time in months that I've cried. I took Xanax with wine. I feel like this is literally never going to get any better. I thought with time I'll take him off the pedestal, realize the toxicity and the complexity of our relationship/friendship. But I'm just deluding myself and going f-ing insane. Before we got together we used to be friends and I was in love with him (or limerent) for 4 years. Now its just the same cycle only with knowing how much hurt he caused me. But I'm starting to think it was all my fault.

I just wish I could go back in time and never be born at all