Help please, random suicidal thoughts after the breakup just as I thought I was getting better

I've broken up with my first love in mid June and as time passes, I do feel like I'm getting better but every now and then, I fall into my depressive and destructive thoughts....why was I abandoned? It hurts so much especially when I thought I'm slowly moving forward, I don't want this pain anymore. I just want him back, I want out love back. Nothing in life is motivating me, I dread going to school, I do have friends but I'm currently isolating myself from people because I just feel so drained. The weekends hurt so badly because I reminisce of all the bittersweet times I'm with him. Nights are absolutely depressing because he is the last thing I think of before I go to sleep. Mornings ain't no better because he is the first thing that rings in my head. We used to greet each other good morning and good night, without fail. He seems happy with life now and he is a great guy honestly, till this day, I hold him at high regards. I miss him so much, I genuinely want to change to be a better person and gf, but will he ever see it? Will he ever come back to me? This uncertainty, this wait.....I can't ever be happy.....I go for counselling and I do journaling while it kinda helps, I'm still hurting.....Well, I understand healing is no linear process and it will take long, this hurt, this pain is it really worth it if I will ever be happy? Won't ending it all be a relief....? Yet, suicidal changes nothing. I won't ever have a possible, even the slightest hope in the future of a happy life if I die because umm facts that I'm dead. And my family, my friends, those who care, they will be hurt by my actions too. But it's just all too painful, all too tiring. I am very hopeful and I trust my gut feeling that it will be better.....just that, I really don't know how to live past every day with drive, to seek enjoyment and all. Life is so painful. Is this normal? Any kind word (please nothing too harsh, I'm already so hurt). And thank you to those who read my post, hope life has been going well for yall! Everyone please take care.