i can't be alone and i can't be with people

no matter what i do, i always feel like i am out of place. not with my "friends", not with the people who say they care, and certainly not with myself.
i feel like a stranger to my own friends, like a stray puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit despite every puzzle you try. but when i'm alone i don't feel like i'm good enough, like there is a void or emptiness in my life that needs to be filled. i just want to exist; to exist without clawing for something or someone to fill that void but also to exist without feeling like i'm an NPC living filler episodes in some shitty netflix series.
the only times i don't feel suffocated by this constant cycle of paranoia and emptiness is when i'm with my ex or inebriated or when i do batshit, reckless things just to get a moment of liberation. i feel trapped with myself, like i'm the worst part of my life and i'll never be able to heal through that.