health anxiety is ruining my mental health.

i cannot stress enough how bad my health anxiety is and it all started in May when i had chest pain and dealing with constipation. ever since then, i cannot relax and my anxiety just happens out of nowhere. i can just be having a good time, listening to music, doing things that make me happy then suddenly it just… hits me then i google then google says i have cancer, blood clots, diseases, all of the above then my mood is completely ruined and i can’t do anything and i just sit there accepting my fate. then my brain starts to show scenarios of me getting diagnosed, me getting worse, at the hospital on my death bed, then finally me passing away and my family grieving me.

i cannot explain how many times i have cried over this because i just wanna get better and it doesn’t help that i google literally EVERYTHING especially something i’m really afraid of having like cancer or some disease that can kill me. i match my symptoms up with said condition and i relax myself and say, “i don’t have ___, i need to calm down” then like an hour or so later, i’m experiencing the symptoms and i start freaking out. i have been to the hospital three times and they all tell me the same thing when i went for my constipation. they told me i just need to eat better which was fine for me but at the same time i’m a picky eater too so it was also kind of hard as well. second time i went to the hospital for sharp stomach pain i was diagnosed with a UTI and little old me decided to google it and i found out it can lead to kidney issues and possible SEPSIS! so i was in the car silently freaking out and again… accepting my fate.

third time i went back because i was having MORE sharp stomach pain to the point i started crying because i was so scared and again. they told me it’s my UTI and constipation. i’m spiraling right now, i cannot relax and i’m so scared of telling my family and wanting reassurance because i’m so afraid that i’m being annoying. i’m always texting my mother about my new symptoms and i can tell she’s annoyed and i’m annoyed with myself. it also doesn’t help that when i read about other people’s symptoms or other people that have health anxiety, they also start showing symptoms when they read about other symptoms too. i read about somebody having calf pain and guess what? i have calf pain now and all i can think of is, “you have a blood clot in ur leg, ur gonna die!!” or “you have ___ go to the hospital now!”

my health anxiety is really making me depressed and i cannot have a normal day anymore without worrying it’s gonna be my last. i’m scared, tired, anxious, stressed. i also read that this is also a symptom of OCD and my mom also suffers from it too so that can also be a reason. i really wanna go to a therapist and vent my fucking heart out and cry and cry. it also doesn’t help that i may also have ADHD or autism too because i cannot sit still, i’m so hyper, i run around my apartment, and im also throwing myself on everything or jumping on things. i try to tell myself it’s my fault that my body is this way but at the same time, i cannot relax. i’m so convinced i’m dying.