WHY can’t I just leave

I don’t love him. I HATE him. He disgusts me.

I make the money, I do everything in the house from cleaning to mowing the lawn, maintaining utilities and such. Not to mention raising our two kids. He lies and he f***s up.

He is nothing but dead weight to me.

Today I came home and his parents had picked up the kids as they do once a week. He was in the Kitchen drunk-crying like a teenage girl over “something they talked about from his childhood”. Our two kids running around while his parents take him seriuosly and has a lot of sympathi 🤮- he doesn’t think about how it affects children seeing their dad crying like that. I don’t feel the slightest sorry for him - he often cries when drunk it’s attention seeking and pathetic.

I told him “no more drinking” for you. He said - sure I had a couple of beers, not drunk, but not gonna drink anymore (he was so drunk he couldn’t see straight or talk in understandable sentences). He even took credit for doing the right thing and not drinking anymore tonight. I noticed him getting more and more drunk and I asked him why. Normally I would ignore it and go to bed, but since I’m getting closer to leaving his sorry ass, I just need to confront him. So I surpriced him outside when he was out smoking… and drinking wine from the bottle. Even though I caught him red handed he STILL tried to act like it didn’t happen. Old bottle there. He wasn’t drinking. Can you believe?? WTAF?!!

He has a business but it’s more of a “work alibi” - he makes no money and I’m sure he’s not even working when I’m not home.

So what keeps me from leaving?

I’ll tell you: The thought of him getting 50:50 custody of the kids. And knowing that if/when I fight him on that he Will do everything he can to make my life a living hell. I’m not sure what he’ll do and that scares me. I have experienced him burning bridges like there’s no tomorrow. If I leave he’s left with nothing. And him in that state is potentially dangerous.

The thought of Living without him is so thrilling to me. If he came Home tomorrow and said he had to go away for a year, I would be so happy!

I secretly hope he dies. I know that makes me a terrible person and I hate myself too for it. But I do. I hate him so freaking much I cant believe I’m waisting my life on him.

But I love my kids more than life.

English is not my first language so sorry for wording/misspelling.